Mundane Trite Nonsense

Yesterday, it was said that my posts are "mundane trite nonsense." Dear sir, I shall give you nonsense!

This morning I was woken up by the WCU band blasting their trumpets and banging their drums like Whoos in down in WhoVille on Christmas morning. Instead of normally rolling over, groaning, and going back to bed, I threw off my covers, jumped up from the mattress, and dove into the black spherical chairs against the window. I picked up my Freeze Ray from in the corner, opened my window, karate kicked the screen out, and blasted my Freeze Ray down upon the unsuspecting band members. Now, in blissful silence, they shall stand there in frozen time until the football game later this afternoon. And, I went back to sleep!


Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog



After waking several hours later with full rest, I headed into the main living area of the apartment to discover Kayla lounging in her bathrobe that I believe does not detach from her body working on homework. I told her I was headed out shopping and that I was going to pick up a new toy for Sparta because I had lost his favored sock.

"Well I have it. It's on my bed," she announced plainly.

"WHAT?" I answered.

"Yeah, I've had for awhile."

I then hit the floor, drew out my concealed weapon and bull horn.

"Put your hands in air and hand over the sock!! Hand it over and nobody gets hurt," I announced over the bull horn.

The sock was quickly surrendered by being thrown in my face. Sparta immediately pounced upon it. Twelve stitches were needed. Luckily, Kayla believes she can knit. I now have scarf for a face. It's like being Hannibal Lecter but gay.

I departed from my humble abode to travel to the job-sucking corporate company which is the only place to get anything here in this mud hole in the mountains: Wal-Mart. I was on a mission. Kayla had given secret instructions to find PUMPKIN SPICE CREAMER!!! It was going tough mission, I could tell. This was not only a refrigerated item. It was also ultimately specific!

I went to the diary aisle, a long row of frosted over glass doors holding different sized white bottles. Searching, I stood in front of the creamer door for so long a happy-go-lucky Wal-Mart employee asked me politely if I needed assistance.

"I have been sent from afar to find Pumpkin Spice creamer," I answered dramatically.

"Whoa, that's specific," he said.

Together, we searched the shelves, looking for the creamer but there was none to be found. Another employee joined the search. Still, nothing.

"Well, there's only one thing to do. You really want this creamer?"

"My roommate will put my head in a guillotine if I do not return with her coffee adornment."

"Then, there's only one thing left to do!" With this said, the second employee took out an entire shelf of regular, non-specific creamer, and headed into the back freezer. I was pulled along by the first employee. And do you know what is in the Wal-Mart dairy freezer?!?! COWS! And SWEDISH MILK MAIDS!?! At least fifty of them!!! Milk maids in clog shoes and skirts with windmills sewn on them were sitting on small stools in front of different colored cows with signs that read which creamer or milk they provided. There was a white cow, a brown cow, a pink cow, a blue cow (for French vanilla). We traveled through cow after cow after cow until finally we reached the Holiday section where Christmas cow was on standby and Pumpkin Spice cow was in the front.

"Howdy! One bottle of creamer, please," the first employee told the Pumpkin Spice milk maid. "This woman needs it STAT."

The milk maid nodded, bobbing her blond braided pigtails before bending to the cow and milking my roommate's new bottle of Pumpkin Spice creamer.

I returned in Little Honda to the apartment after miming the words of Ke$ha's song "Take it Off." Do you know how hard it is to undress while driving then redress before the next chorus comes around to then undress again?!?! I don't think you do! Let me tell you, it's unbelievably difficult. In fact, some would say it's impossible!!!

After some joshing around with Kayla and CC, we traveled to the post office to go POSTAL! That's right. Kayla and I danced around in the Cullowhee post office to Eminem, we covered ourselves in stamps, and packed up Kayla in a large box to mail to Timbuktu. Thrown out of the post office by security guards, CC revved up the truck and we bounced back down the road to the apartment plucking stamps out of our hair.

3 p.m. rolls around and it's time for a football game: Catamounts vs Bull Dogs. Real bobcats and cougars came sprinting out onto the field on the north end and English and American bull dogs stumbled from south. I honesty thought the wild cats would have a better chance against a bunch of lap dogs. But no!! The bull dogs ripped through the cats. I saw one cougar run from the field with his tail between his legs. But I think I know the bull dogs secret. The coaches... I saw a few of them running along the sidelines with a bone as the bull dogs run the football down field. And there was one who threw a tennis ball to get the receiver pup to run! I will swear to that in a court of athletics!! The cougars and bobcats returned to their rocky crags and caverns. 

Oh and get this! A huge spiderweb came soaring across the stands. There were several strands of web heading straight straight for me and my friends. And the spider was still riding it!! I think he was hanging ten! I mean, this thing was huge, Lord of the Rings huge! And he was wearing sunglasses with two hairy feet in the air. My friends and I had to play limbo so the spider and his webby surfboard wouldn't crash into us.  

........And that has been my day so far. I just hope dinner goes smoothly. I only have to operate a oven. Maybe it will come to life! Or maybe I'll find a demon dog claiming to be The Gatekeeper in my fridge (if you don't get that, you need to watch Ghostbusters!).

And later... Kayla and I will be playing Scene It? Harry Potter Edition. It will become a "WIZARD. LIGHTNING. BATTLE!" (Literal trailer reference!) There will be wizards! There will be lighting! There will be a BATTLE!!!! I'm looking forward to that... Neville is helping me find some kind of plant to use for breathing underwater and Hermione... well, she's just talking nonsense. I'm kind of tuning her out. I'll keep you updated!!

Dear Family Members

Ma and Father are very different people, but usually always convey the same message. Look up the characteristics of a Scorpio and a Capricorn. They are different! So when I sent out a mass email to Father, Ma, and my sister Kate, these are the responses I received:

To Ma, Father, and Kate
From Me

"Dear Family Members,
 Howdy!!! I knew I wouldn't have time to call you all individually and since you guys never communicate amongst yourselves, I am sending this mass email. Also, I didn't want you to see over Facebook and not hear from me.
As of last night, I am in a relationship. His name is "Morgan." He is a food and hospitality major from Raleigh.
Ma, he's a Capricorn!
Kate, he's got an awesome body!
Father, he loves guns and shoots a Glock, still waiting to see if he's a football or guitar fan. He is a really nice guy, and I think he's going to be good for me.
Anyway, I don't know when you'll be able to meet him. He works a lot and is participating in a gun competition over Fall Break so he'll be in Raleigh the whole time. I think maybe he'll be able to come down if we last until Christmas Break.
Holy crap, I'm gonna be late! Ok, gotta go!
Love you all!
Bye!"

To Me
From Father

"Hey,

I saw your relationship status change on FB (Facebook) this morning. That is wonderful news to hear! So is being a Capricorn a good thing? And how do you know about his body!?

So what is your home schedule? Birthday, fall break, etc.?

Love,

Father"

To Me
From Kate

"Awhhh yay! Send me a picture! Tell him if he's not good to you I'll beat his ass (: "

To Me
From Ma

"Ahwww honey that is very good news!!  Hi "Morgan!"  Sounds like he is very nice and I hope you guys get along well and hopefully we can meet. Hey, when is fall break? 
Well you guys have fun and lemme know about when you are gonna be home next weekend.
Thanks for sharing the news!!

I love you lots!
Ma"

Electrified

Some people believe happiness comes from giving.
Some people believe happiness comes from achieving your goals and gaining success and recognition.
Some believe believe happiness comes from doing something adventurous and new.
I believe in all these thoughts, but I'd like to add one more.

I believe you can achieve happiness by sitting and listening to others.

Last night I was in the arms of Morgan. We were talking quietly, getting to know each other, exploring each other's minds and making random comments after lounging on the love seat for an hour or so watching Super Troopers. Sparta was quietly playing on the floor. Everyone else in the apartment was tucked away in their rooms.

Without warning, my bathroom light blacked out.
"Huh, my light died!" I said.
Suddenly, there was a shout.
"POWER'S OUT!" called Cody and CC, heading into the hall. Kayla also hustled into the hall.
"There's a flashlight in the far kitchen drawer," I yelled from my room.
"Is this the Black Out?" asked Kayla.
"I thought that was last week," I answered. "That's this week?"
"Yeah," replied CC.
I turned to Morgan."Well!"

From my place in bed, I could see the bobbing beam of the flashlight in the hallway. Then, there was the Cinnamon aroma of Kayla's candles and the flickering shadows making figures on the walls. Other than that, only the street lamps across the highway visible through my window were the only other sources of light.

I haven't experienced a power outage for some time. The email two weeks ago said the outage would last until 8 a.m. We had eight hours to go... and it wasn't so bad. Yeah, I complained a bit at first because I'm afraid of the dark and I can't sleep without the sound of my fan, but then... it was nice. Kayla, CC, and Cody settled into the living room where their hushed voices about silly things and stories were a kind comfort as Morgan and I murmured to ourselves in my bedroom.The candle's aroma, which usually gives me a headache, wafting around the apartment.

Suddenly, it didn't matter that I had an 8 a.m. class in the morning. It didn't matter I couldn't get on the Internet or run my fan for the night or see my toothbrush unless by candlelight. It didn't matter my head had been pounding all day from the cold Morgan had shared. It didn't matter I had a paper due in eight hours. I knew I wasn't going to get to it. It was peaceful. It was quiet. It was one of those moments where you'd bet everything that the world had stopped spinning just for you. It was exactly what I needed after the past two weeks. Listening to Morgan, listening to my housemates in the living room, listening to Sparta's little pitter-patter, smelling the candle, watching the light bounce about in the hallway, snuggling warm in the dark... I was happy. And, I didn't have to do a thing.

Off Campus Living 101

The first publishing of my new column in The Western Carolinian. Welcome to "Off Campus Living 101!"

"Good day, everyone, and welcome to Apartment Living 101, a residential choice class requirement. Your fellow classmates are in the other residential choice class, Dorm Living 102. This is not a class you can add/drop or withdraw from after fifth week grades. You either succeed or you fail. Also, this is a two-semester course. You must attend both semester courses to pass.

In this course, you will learn how function as an independent adult in four major areas: interaction with roommates and land lords, cooking and housekeeping, bill payments, and maintaining good grades in an off campus environment. By the end of the semester, you should be able to demonstrate cool headedness in dealing with a partying neighbor and healthy cooking skills that do not include order-in pizza or Ramen noodles. You should also be able to get your rent check in without a verbal reminder from your roommates and maintain a parent-approved GPA. You will need to rent or buy the following books from the campus bookstore for the semester’s reading assignments:

1.      Fifty Meals on Fifty Dollars a Month

2.      How to Juggle… a Job, Classes, Housework, and Free Time

3.      When the Good Neighbors Go Bad

4.      Channel Surfing: an in-depth look at how to share the TV among two or more people with pull-out TV remote diagram

5.      They Will Never be Cheery: dealing with the landlord

6.      60 Ways to get Evicted

You may also want to bring a copy of your lease as different establishments have different regulations.

If you have a pet, I suggest signing up for Apartment Living 101.02 for a deeper look into how to approach your landlord on the subject, how to afford it, and how to convince your roommates it is a good idea.

For the final exam, I will be conducting thorough and surprise searches of your apartments at the end of the semester. Cleanliness and healthy food choices are the main areas I will be concentrating on. I will also be conducting interviews with your roommates, neighbors, and landlord to determine how well you have applied what we learned this year.

 This will be a great experience, and I cannot wait to see how each one of you will handle this major adjustment! If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or particularly funny stories, please contact me by email or visit me during my office hours at the Old Student Union Building.

You are dismissed! Please have your books, lease, and a one-page paper of why I moved off campus by the next class."

Done.

On Tuesday afternoon, I wrote the last words of my novel "In the High Five."
I cannot even describe the feeling. I felt so free!! To be completely finished with this great project I have dedicated six months of my life to.
Now it's time to reread, reread, reread, reread, and get it ready for publishing! But for right now this minute, I'm celebrating as I have been for the past two days!

The night of I tried my first beer! I barely sipped it past the neck of the bottle because it was so GROSS! That was bitter and nasty. I can still taste it on the back of my tongue. So yeah, I'm good on that front. CC and Morgan got a kick out of my disgruntled face though. Then they put a Pixie Stix in the beer. This is what happens after the first EXPLOSION:

We won't be doing that again. Another thing that Pixie Stix shouldn't mix with: cupcakes! A friend and I put Pixie Stix powder on the icing of our freshly made cupcakes... just no!

So there's been much to celebrate, but this time I'm celebrating with sparkling grape juice. At least with that I can guzzle it out of a big glass bottle and pretend I'm swigging down wine. But that's a no on the beer! (I knew there had to be a reason I had never tried it before)

Another reason to celebrate is I've met this guy... I really like this guy. And, I'm so thankful for him because he is a breath of fresh air. You know, even if nothing works out between us... it doesn't matter. I am happy either way because I've finally met a NICE guy, someone who looked me in the eye first, someone who didn't immediately grabbed and kissed me (and still hasn't) before we talked for over an hour watching Ghost Rider while waiting for "Sons of Anarchy" came on, someone who didn't start off as my best friend so it's not awkward, someone who just showed up in my life and took me completely by surprise, someone who kept me from swearing off men and going off to become a nun (no, seriously...I thought about that, but I'm not Catholic). I am just so happy!
And with the ending of my book and finding this new person, I have kicked The Viking completely out the door. I didn't even ask him where he was going. I just said "OUT" and out he went without a glance back at me nor I at him. It took one long helluva a year, but it was a year I needed because now I am back on feet, back in the game, back believing in the romance of things, and I HAVE FINISHED A NOVEL! No one, not a heartbreaking guy or a friendship turned sour, can take that away from me!!

Cheers!

When you Give a Girl a Gun

I'm an archer! I've had a bow since the summer before starting high school. With the loss of horseback riding, archery became my obsession. I was fascinated by the old, human-powered bows from movies like King Arthur and Braveheart. Within a day, I convinced Father that archery would be an awesome sport for me to participate in. In the mail arrived my baby: a black wooden longbow that can pull 22 pounds (can be stretched back 22 feet). Father and I started bonding, visiting Outdoor World and picking out our archery supplies like a glove, armband, and a target. It was one of the greatest afternoons.
Today, I'm not an all-time amazing archer! The novelty of archery wore off and I stopped practicing. Or the weather turned sour ...like the entire season of winter. But my love for my beautiful bow has never waned. I am so proud of that weapon and wrapping my gloved fingers around the string, pulling it taunt against my face, releasing it and hearing the satisfactory THWACK as the arrow pelts the Styrofoam target. The over six foot all-powerful stick makes me feel safe as it slumbers under my bed (because I can't display it like I did at home since there are supposed to be no weapons at the apartment). It's my peace of mind.

However... this weekend I got to try out a new weapon: a gun!!

CC and his friend "Morgan" (so dubbed because of his love for Morgan Freeman) took me and some friends out to the shooting range this weekend. After a whirling drive through one of the most beautiful parts of the state I've seen, we arrived a mudhole cut out in the side of one of the Appalachian Mountains. On six of the seven concrete slabs, Morgan and CC set up their babies then gave us a long but important speech about safety. After the whole speech thing, I was darn right afraid of touching the guns. Heck, I could hurt someone with one of my blunt-tipped arrows. I couldn't kill them!! One false moves with one of these weapons with their live ammunition, I could ruin or end someone else's life in a split second. Suddenly, my excitement about the adventure began to quickly drain out through my cold feet.

Then, CC dragged me up to a .22 rifle.

"Ok, just shoot it," he basically said.

I just knew I was going to make a fool of myself. The gun would recoil and slap me in the face. I was going to be shot back off the bench. I was going to break the gun. There was so many horrible scenarios running through my head! Then, I took a deep breath, laced my finger around the trigger, and shot my first gun! And, it was EPIC!

A Glock 19, Remington 700, .22 hand gun, Ruger .357, M1 Garand, M1 Carbine, and Marlin .30-30 lever action later and I was loading the ammunition by myself and just firing away. What would have made it more epic was if I had had my iPod and slipped my ear buds under my silencer headphones to blast some Bullet for my Valentine, Opeth, or gangster rap! Now, that would be awesome.

Personally, I loved the .22 hand gun of CC's. It was easy to load, it didn't cause me to shudder like Morgan's handgun which had a lot more kick, and it was smooth. I burned through the ammo on that one!

And what an amazing day hanging out with my roommate and the guys!!! That was one of the best days out I've had in a while even though it was bone-chillingly cold on the morning we went. Like I forgot how cold it could get in the mountains! It was so cloudy and just cold. Not wet cold or where it takes your breath away but when there's an ache that settles into the pits of your lungs and your feet will never be warm again. I took a ten-minute shower when I got home. But, what a day!

That night, CC let me clean his revolver... which I botched as I am more clumsy than Bella Swan and made a mess of Morgan's cleaning pad. Then my blood sugar dropped too low, but we're going to forget that.

Oh, and I forgot ice cream and Wal-Mart with CC, Morgan, Morgan's little brother, and their friend the night before! That is a kick a$$ ice parlor. They like almost fifty flavors! Cinnamon! That's a topping, people, but no, they have it as a flavor!! O.o Amazing!

...Anyway, I have to say I still prefer my bow to guns, to feel the arm strength in pulling an arrow back and letting it fly. Guns are too easy, and I say that without having hit anything on Sunday because I can't properly aim. And I didn't try any of the big guns that really could have made me go flying from the recoil. Still! I prefer my beautiful bow, and next time, I'm taking it with me! ^_^

Knock, Knock

Like I said earlier, it was one of those weeks where everything was due and I didn't have a moment to breathe. On Wednesday, I had one of those moments where I was so stressed I just burst into tears because if I didn't, I was going to implode before long! So into tears I burst, pulled myself together, and got my stuff together!

Then I had a night like last night: hanging out with Chris, laughing hysterically, eating candy and Cheetos, watching "How I Met your Mother" and an awesome film noir movie Double Indemnity. That was the most fun Chris and I have ever had! I couldn't live without him.

Then there was today! Today was amazing! I got to sleep in for an extra hour - more like roll around in bed for an extra hour because Sparta woke me - and biked to school in the amazing crisp weather after a week of gloomy clouds and rain. I turned in my Communications assignment - check that off the list. I turned in my Literature paper - check that off the list. The "Ice Cream Book Club" met for lunch, but instead of Ice Cream Musical Chairs, today we played Smoothie Musical Chairs. I had a Strawberry Swirl or something like that with plain frozen yogurt and real strawberries! It was berry delicious! On Wednesday it was Oreo ice cream with Oreo cookie crumbs, gummy worms, and grape Nerds sprinkled on top! FLAVOR OVERLOAD! I swear, by the end of the semester, over half of my DB points will have been spent at Freshen's in the dining hall, but it's so worth it! 301 more to burn! Last class: Communications test - check that off the list.

After my test, I would have normally biked back to the apartment, but instead, I made a pit stop at Coulter where my English professor wanted to have a word for me. Professor "Stat" is a kind man who believes in a lesser creative side of writing. We don't always see eye-to-eye about writing, but we get on well. "Billy" (one of the boys) and I are the only ones who actively participate in his class (mostly because it's at 8 a.m.), and he has singled me out for my writing talent. He wants me to write an essay for a conference at the end of the semester here at Western to get my name out there.

Two things: this conference is for a) seniors and b) English majors, both of which I am not!

Yet... Professor Stat is willing to vouch for me, become "my sponsor," and get me into the conference because he believes I can tackle the assignment.

But it doesn't stop there!

After Western's conference, there is a national conference for writers in Montana sponsored by The Honors College that Prof. Stat wishes me to re-enter my essay into. Should it get accepted, I would be given $500 to travel to Montana and present my essay!!! MIND OVERLOAD!!! Stat was sitting there telling me, and my brain was pulsing from sheer size of the opportunity that was being handed to me on a silver platter. This weekend, I will be spending the majority of the time thinking of whether I want to accept this offer. Some of you may be saying, Dude, take it!!! What are you talking about, thinking it over?! Well, after a week like this week: do I really have time to add an extra assignment? Everything things needs equal attention:

1. My job!!
2. My GPA for Honors College
3. My 18 credit hours of school work
4. I need some free time
5. Sparta's well being
6. Household chores (shopping, cleaning, laundry, paying rent)

If I feel I can't handle all six of those things plus a major 5-7 page paper on top of it all, I'm unfortunately going to have to say "no" and hope for another conference next year!

Sparta Moment:
Daily, I take Sparta on walks in the backyard of the apartments. The weather is amazing outside today, and I practically threw Sparta out the door to get into the fresh air! My cat is surprisingly a little mountain cat! We were climbing all over the hills in his great quest for... I have no idea! Well, as we were walking, a locust flew up from the grass and Sparta jumped completely off the ground, smacking the locust between his white paws! Then, the poor baby fell and landed directly into a thorn bush!!! There went the locust and poor Sparta refused to move so I had to reach into the thorn bush and pull him up and out. Thankfully, there was no blood and no thorns that I found.

Sparta's bad luck continued. This was just plain stupid on my part. I brought Sparta back into the house and set him on the loveseat next to the window. The leash was still in my hand connected to his blue medium-sized dog harness. Upset we had to come back inside because I was being eaten by mosquitoes, I opened a window for Sparta and while my back was turned, the cat tried to jump onto the neighboring coffee table. But the leash was too short!! And Sparta was yanked back by his leash and sent crashing into the ground!!! He just did not have as good a day as I did!