Created Cried Laughed Loved

****This post just might make my mom cry. In fact, it could get the whole family. It made me cry. You have been warned.

I don't dwell on this thought a lot. It's hard to remember most days. It's hard to remember to remember there should be another face in the family photo. But, I think about this during this time of year, around my birthday.
Did you know I have a brother? Most people don't. He's not here to speak for himself so most people assume my parents only had three children and I'm the oldest sister of two little girls. But I have a brother, too.

His name is Israel James. He would have been eight this year.

I am extremely imaginative and have to put my thoughts into pictures. So when I say I have a brother named Israel James I need to make it clear: I don't really know if my unborn sibling was a boy or a girl. And, he or she was never given a name. But this is who he is to me, a little baby boy who I get to meet in the next life.

The day after my birthday in 6th grade, Ma broke the news to Kate and myself that she was pregnant, and just in time for Christmas when everyone is celebrating the baby Jesus, the virgin Mary holding an innocent, sinless babe in her arms, Ma found out she was no longer carrying a living child due to no fault of her own or anything else. It just happens. And, our family members quietly took back their baby item Christmas presents for more appropriate gifts like a bigger, fancier coffee maker or like my dad's mother did... an blue-cloaked angel ornament for the Christmas tree. It has a white halo, glittery wings, and our German blonde hair.

Then, I didn't understand that my baby sibling. How did it affect me? I had never heard the heartbeat. I had never seen his face. I had never felt him kick. Instead, I sat back bewildered as my parents crumpled away and apart.

Now, I know better. As the oldest, I live my life as an example to Kate and Anne... and I live my life for my baby brother who didn't get to see this world. In my past 18 years, I have made mistakes. I have a suitcase full of a regrets. But there's not one I didn't survive and learn from.

Israel would be eight... learning how to play football from Father, telling me stories about elementary school and how girls are gross. I would teach him how fragile little girls are, how breakable their hearts one. To remain true and faithful to the ladies he would date in the future. How never to lie. How to make and keep strong friendships. The importance of creativity and sportsmanship. Being who you want to be even if it doesn't fit in the box society wants to put you in. I would teach him things I have taught Kate and will teach Anne. I would teach him a few other things I don't want my beautiful sisters to know about, things I've done that I fear would make them look at me different. I would tell him (when he was much older) the story of The Viking. And afterwards, I would make him promise on his life to never go down that road.

I've never been outside of the United States. I've never eaten octopus, shark, or a live worm. I've never gone skydiving or bungee-jumping or para sailing. I've never given life to another small human being. But I have lived. I have created something new for nothing with my two hands. I have laughed until tears ran down my face. I have helped a stranger. I have cried, heartbroken, then pieced everything back together. I have discovered a God worth living for. I have loved so strong and so deep!

As I turn 19, I will continue to live, laugh, love, cry, and create and when I stop having birthdays, I will meet Israel James or whoever he or she is and tell him or her all about it.