This morning I was woken up by the WCU band blasting their trumpets and banging their drums like Whoos in down in WhoVille on Christmas morning. Instead of normally rolling over, groaning, and going back to bed, I threw off my covers, jumped up from the mattress, and dove into the black spherical chairs against the window. I picked up my Freeze Ray from in the corner, opened my window, karate kicked the screen out, and blasted my Freeze Ray down upon the unsuspecting band members. Now, in blissful silence, they shall stand there in frozen time until the football game later this afternoon. And, I went back to sleep!
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| Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog |
After waking several hours later with full rest, I headed into the main living area of the apartment to discover Kayla lounging in her bathrobe that I believe does not detach from her body working on homework. I told her I was headed out shopping and that I was going to pick up a new toy for Sparta because I had lost his favored sock.
"Well I have it. It's on my bed," she announced plainly."WHAT?" I answered.
"Yeah, I've had for awhile."
I then hit the floor, drew out my concealed weapon and bull horn.
"Put your hands in air and hand over the sock!! Hand it over and nobody gets hurt," I announced over the bull horn.
The sock was quickly surrendered by being thrown in my face. Sparta immediately pounced upon it. Twelve stitches were needed. Luckily, Kayla believes she can knit. I now have scarf for a face. It's like being Hannibal Lecter but gay.
I departed from my humble abode to travel to the job-sucking corporate company which is the only place to get anything here in this mud hole in the mountains: Wal-Mart. I was on a mission. Kayla had given secret instructions to find PUMPKIN SPICE CREAMER!!! It was going tough mission, I could tell. This was not only a refrigerated item. It was also ultimately specific!
I went to the diary aisle, a long row of frosted over glass doors holding different sized white bottles. Searching, I stood in front of the creamer door for so long a happy-go-lucky Wal-Mart employee asked me politely if I needed assistance.
"I have been sent from afar to find Pumpkin Spice creamer," I answered dramatically."Whoa, that's specific," he said.
Together, we searched the shelves, looking for the creamer but there was none to be found. Another employee joined the search. Still, nothing.
"Well, there's only one thing to do. You really want this creamer?"
"My roommate will put my head in a guillotine if I do not return with her coffee adornment.""Then, there's only one thing left to do!" With this said, the second employee took out an entire shelf of regular, non-specific creamer, and headed into the back freezer. I was pulled along by the first employee. And do you know what is in the Wal-Mart dairy freezer?!?! COWS! And SWEDISH MILK MAIDS!?! At least fifty of them!!! Milk maids in clog shoes and skirts with windmills sewn on them were sitting on small stools in front of different colored cows with signs that read which creamer or milk they provided. There was a white cow, a brown cow, a pink cow, a blue cow (for French vanilla). We traveled through cow after cow after cow until finally we reached the Holiday section where Christmas cow was on standby and Pumpkin Spice cow was in the front.
"Howdy! One bottle of creamer, please," the first employee told the Pumpkin Spice milk maid. "This woman needs it STAT."
The milk maid nodded, bobbing her blond braided pigtails before bending to the cow and milking my roommate's new bottle of Pumpkin Spice creamer.
I returned in Little Honda to the apartment after miming the words of Ke$ha's song "Take it Off." Do you know how hard it is to undress while driving then redress before the next chorus comes around to then undress again?!?! I don't think you do! Let me tell you, it's unbelievably difficult. In fact, some would say it's impossible!!!
3 p.m. rolls around and it's time for a football game: Catamounts vs Bull Dogs. Real bobcats and cougars came sprinting out onto the field on the north end and English and American bull dogs stumbled from south. I honesty thought the wild cats would have a better chance against a bunch of lap dogs. But no!! The bull dogs ripped through the cats. I saw one cougar run from the field with his tail between his legs. But I think I know the bull dogs secret. The coaches... I saw a few of them running along the sidelines with a bone as the bull dogs run the football down field. And there was one who threw a tennis ball to get the receiver pup to run! I will swear to that in a court of athletics!! The cougars and bobcats returned to their rocky crags and caverns.
Oh and get this! A huge spiderweb came soaring across the stands. There were several strands of web heading straight straight for me and my friends. And the spider was still riding it!! I think he was hanging ten! I mean, this thing was huge, Lord of the Rings huge! And he was wearing sunglasses with two hairy feet in the air. My friends and I had to play limbo so the spider and his webby surfboard wouldn't crash into us.
........And that has been my day so far. I just hope dinner goes smoothly. I only have to operate a oven. Maybe it will come to life! Or maybe I'll find a demon dog claiming to be The Gatekeeper in my fridge (if you don't get that, you need to watch Ghostbusters!).
And later... Kayla and I will be playing Scene It? Harry Potter Edition. It will become a "WIZARD. LIGHTNING. BATTLE!" (Literal trailer reference!) There will be wizards! There will be lighting! There will be a BATTLE!!!! I'm looking forward to that... Neville is helping me find some kind of plant to use for breathing underwater and Hermione... well, she's just talking nonsense. I'm kind of tuning her out. I'll keep you updated!!
2 comments:
I like the mundane trite nonsense. :(
Aww, haha! Me too! It was a one-time thing.
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