An Open Letter to The Viking

Hey,
 How are you?
The last time we spoke to each other was a year ago today. So much has changed, so much hasn't. I wish all of this could be in person. I wish you'd actually be able to see this. I miss you.

I've been thinking about what I'd say to you here for weeks. It changes every day. I'm sure when I look back at this tomorrow I'll think of something I should have said and run it through my mind a thousand times wishing I had written it instead of something else or added a line or two, that all of my feelings were completely conveyed in what I'm about to write. Just another regret.
How are you and her? I heard you told her everything. I wish I had been there afterward to tell you both how sorry I am for everything that happened. It's not completely my fault, but some days, I take all the blame. That's all I want - to tell especially her how sorry I am to her face and not over an impersonal Facebook message through her roommate's account. I tried, I tried so hard to get her to talk to me. You did your best to make sure I didn't, and then you two together made sure we'd never speak again. I was never so hurt, shocked, and lost in my entire life. I won't tell you how low I sunk after that moment because I don't want you to have the satisfaction. But, it hurt. You knew how to hurt me the worst.
Maybe you weren't even thinking about me when you did it. But there had to be a part of you that knew how badly I'd feel when I learned from some stranger I could never talk to you again. Looking back, I told you "never to contact me again," but did I really mean it? No, not in the long run.
I'm transferring at the end of this semester. I'm going far across the state where there aren't any mountains or piles of snow. And yes, I'm running away from you and her and everything that happened. There's not a place on campus that doesn't remind me of you or her. I have to get out of here. I hate walking into a room and immediately scanning the room for red hair and my skin jumping when I see someone who looks like you. I can't stay here anymore, and I think you'd like to know that I'm leaving. Now you don't have worry about me anymore either.

What happened? Please, explain to me what happened! How did someone I share secrets with and let so far into myself now be unable to look me in the eye when we pass each other in the dining hall? Do you hate me? Does anger boil over inside every time you see me? Because it doesn't for me! I just feel an overwhelming sense of loss and an aching void. Is that sad and pathetic to still feel a year later?
Do you remember the good times we had? Watching a concert on DVD in your room the day before we left for Christmas Break as I helped you with a button on your shirt after we had unbunked your beds. Running up to you after I had finished my last exam and you swinging me up into a hug. Carrying me back to Walker after my sugar dropped when we were at Wal-Mart. Trying to convince me to skip class and stay with you for the afternoon in your room. Watching "Spongebob" one night and you tried to tickle my feet. Staring at each other in horror in my dorm room after Miles told her what he thought he knew. Did you trick me then... did you make me lie for you because you knew I'd do whatever it took to make you happy?
Part of me wonders if you were ever the person I thought you were. In some ways you have to be. Lisa told me about the person you were in high school, the same person that I thought I knew. Now it seems I've probably created and fabricated personality quirks about you that either don't exist or aren't to that extreme. Sometimes, I get the character you play in my novel mixed up with who you actually are. The person you are... are you a coward for not confronting me yourself and getting someone else to say the "bad" things for you? Are you brave and protective for "saving" your girlfriend from me? Or are you a vindictive, son of a bitch for what we did to her? Because you can bend the truth all you want, lovely, but that doesn't make what we did go away.
I'm glad she knows. When Lisa told me what happened, I was so relieved. Finally, I thought! Finally, that poor girl knows the truth and I can stop hoping and wondering and praying for the relationship that she was caught in. No one should have to live in someone else's lie. I wish I knew why you told her, where the light bulb came from. In the end, it doesn't matter. Thank you for doing it - for whatever reason you did - thank you.
You asked me once if I hated you. I never did. I've missed you and have cared about you since we were first together in November of 2009. I occasionally ask Cory how you are, if you're alright. If anything ever happened to you...well, I'd probably break every rule and I'd be there to make sure you were ok. I never hated you. I just miss your company. What I do hate is what happened between us. We both could have handled things better.
After all that's happened though, it's time to move on. You're never going to seek me out and apologize in person. I'm not allowed to. I have to accept that. I want you to know that as sad as this letter sounds I am happy. You might not care, I think you might, but I am happy. My life isn't perfect, but it's better than it was. There's this great guy who takes such good care of me. He's been so patient while I've been dealing with all of this. You two have similar music tastes to a certain extent. I think you'd like that about him. I'm very happy for you. I'm so happy, sincerely happy, that you and her are still together, that you've gotten through all of this and have stayed together... as long as it's for the right reasons. I hope you two last and I wish only the best for you both.
Now, it's time for good bye. I really do hope I hear from you again.  I do. In my dreams or my nightmares, we're good friends again. But for now, this is good bye. I hope you have a great summer and you find whatever you're looking for in this life.

Until then,

Lex