You have all heard my thoughts and feelings on this move. Now, he wants to tell you his. This was written on Tuesday, August 9th.
~~~
"Tonight marks the restart of Lex's and my long distance relationship. We spent yesterday and until the mid afternoon of today in Greensboro finishing the process of moving her into her new house. It was a sad day for us, because we, or at least I, found myself counting down the hours until I had to leave. It was a familiar feeling, and it made me reminisce about leaving her in Cullowhee after I came to visit. But it was somehow different, too. It felt a little less stressful. I only had an hour drive (instead of four and a half) and knew with her being so close, I could visit her even when I didn't have two consecutive days off. Knowing all of this comforted me, and I think with time, will comfort her too.
"Now, don't misunderstand me, I still cried and was very sad as we hugged and kissed in her driveway right before I left. She looked at me with the most saddened and desperate eyes while she begged me not to leave. When I look back in the coming years, remembering the good and bad times, that will be one of the worst. No fight we have ever had compares to the despair and heartbreak in those eyes and pleas that both conveyed and caused me to feel. Even now, 12 hours later, my throat tightens and tears will up at that image. I'm sorry it hurts so much, baby. I miss you too.
"But I don't think it started to hit me until around 10 p.m. tonight at work. We were pretty much done, just the last few tables left, and I just felt dead, heavy. I moved around slowly, really more out of habit than actual conscience decision. I knew that I was going home to my apartment without Lex, which right now doesn't feel like home. As I drove home, the feelings of sadness and loneliness increased with each mile. When I made the last turn before my apartment complex, I began softly crying slow tears. I envisioned walking past my roommate and his new lady friend and choking on my words when she asked were my girlfriend was. I knew I would be unable to answer her.
"As I opened the door I caught myself just as I was starting to call the cat's name, "Sparta," as I had done almost ever night upon returning from work. As I walked down the hall, I cried more, until I reached the bedroom door. I turned on the light and a note tacked to the wall caught my attention. "Be Happy." I slumped against the wall beside it, touching it, upset because I couldn't be happy because Lex wasn't there, and upset because she wanted me to to be happy and I couldn't do that for her. "I turned to examine the rest of the room, searching for anything of hers left behind. At first I saw nothing, but then I began noticing small things: our coloring book picture, a stained glass panel, her blue pen on my nightstand, a pile of thumbtacks on a drink coaster, her towel. All her posters are gone and my room has lost all its character, all its feeling. The only spark of life in its empty vastness are the sounds of Nutmeg the hamster moving about her cage. I have decided I am not letting her live with Lex because in holding and playing with it I can see Lex doing those very things, and I am not willing to lose those memories.
"I miss her a lot tonight; it's always harder in the beginning. I would say it gets easier as time passes, but it's not so much that it's easier... but that the first nights are more shocking than the ones that follow. I know I won't cry every night on the way home from work, just like I know she won't cry every morning when she wakes up. We will both find things to do to occupy our minds and keep us busy during the times we are apart. And when we are together, we will try to relish every minute and not take our time for granted."
~ Stuart
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