Happiness isn't Normal

Finals are over!!!

And, I didn't come out at the end of it sick, ten pounds lighter, and about to throw myself out a window... which is saying something considering I was not only writing three papers and working on a web design portfolio and resume, but I also had the newspaper on my plate. I guess it helps that I'm genuinely happier with my life and where I am right now.

Cata-fount

Now that finals are over, I can turn my complete attention to the newspaper. This week started the writing and interviewing process for the May issue, which hits the stands on May 25. I can't say what we're working on... it's top secret!! But, I will say that Sparta is here in the office today. He's hiding under my enormous desk that has been here since the dinosaurs roamed the earth!
This spring semester... I can tell you there's been a lot of stress and tears. A lot of it I can't talk about because it's newspaper drama, and we don't like to air that out in the public eye. But even with all that stress, I've been happy... and that's never happened before.

There were only a few days out the semester that I woke up and was extremely depressed throughout the entire day. If you've known me since August 2009, that's an extremely low number. I have been battling depression since being a freshman at Western, and we all found out that moving to Greensboro didn't help that one bit! Back at Western, I'm here with a billion things to do and several crises to solve with Sparta sick, issues with the landlord, and worrying about the paper... but I'm happy.
It's so bizarre.
And, it's sad that it is bizarre. Why is happiness weird now? When did I get used to not being happy? When did depression and misery become part of my life that being happy and getting up every morning looking forward to the day was not normal anymore?

Looking back, I don't remember thinking that I'd always be miserable. Then, why am I surprised that I'm happy? Nothing has changed really. Stuart may be here instead of five hours away, but we still have problems and strife in our relationship that needs to be repaired now and again. My living situation is better on some levels but worse on others. And, I cannot even begin to describe the pain, tears, stress, pressure, and worry that comes with being an Editor-in-Chief of a newspaper (and it's not even a weekly or daily newspaper!!!!!!)
Maybe I'm happier because I drink more fluids a day. That's probably what Stuart will say it is. Maybe it's because I've stopped skipping meals because I either couldn't afford to buy food or because I was too sick and tired already to even stand up to throw something in the microwave. Maybe it's because I no longer feel threatened by The Viking anymore, and that we've actually become friends again and text on a semi-regular basis.
Whatever it is... I'm happy it made me happy! I am ready to learn how to manage my stress and keep living a happy, healthy life. So bring on the summer... I'm happy it's here!

Sparta is my snuggle buddy!

Together

I have been waiting for this day since exactly one year ago! I can happily say that my dream has come true and that the wait is over.

Next week, my boyfriend Stuart is moving to Cullowhee!!!!!! 

Our long distance relationship is over!

Stuart has decided that after working for The Angus Barn since last January, he wants to move on and find a place that will help him move forward in the cooking ladder. While The Angus Barn comes with a lot of prestige and respect, employees stay at the Barn for many years. Due to this, there is little opportunity to be promoted. At 23, Stuart has big ambitions and wants to some day be a kitchen manager. 

After my announcement of returning to Western Carolina University for this spring, Stuart and I faced once again being five hours away from each other. Honestly, I didn't think we'd survive it for a second time, but I wanted to make the right decision for me and my career. It's not guaranteed that Stuart and I will marry each other. I needed to make a decision based on what I knew: UNC-Greensboro and I didn't get along in any way, and I needed a solid education to make sure I could get a job after graduating. Even if it meant a huge hit on our relationship, I had to put my education first. 

While I was preparing for Cullowhee, Stuart started to think about where that left him. It turns out that Western Carolina's catering company, the same company where Stuart worked during his years as an undergraduate at WCU, is looking for a sous chef. While Stuart does not have the sous chef job, he will begin working for the catering department this February with the understanding and motivation to soon become the sous chef. With his background and his experience already with the WCU and Aramark, I have no doubt he will quickly succeed at his goal. 

I am so proud of him and the major decision he is not only making for us but that he's also making for his career path. For the first time, he's permanently moving away from his hometown and Raleigh and living on his own without parents, siblings, or even a roommate. He has a beautiful efficiently-style cabin settled in the woods in Balsalm Gap that overlooks a small brook and comes with horseshoes, a fire pit, and a mini gym.

It is has been difficult this month to be without him, and to have no Internet until this week and no cell phone service at my trailer. I can't text him good night or good morning until I get to campus. The lack of communication has hurt us, but next Wednesday, things are going to be very different. 

For the first time since Christmas 2010, we will be living in the same city (or close enough anyway), working in the same community, and there's no end in sight. He won't be graduating this time. I won't be going anywhere. We won't a relationship based on longing for the other and waiting... just waiting until the other comes back. 

Next week, the next big step in my relationship with Stuart begins. I can't wait or be more excited!!! I love you, Stuart. 

You'll Never Know Dear

Continued from My Only Sunshine...

Stuart did come over that night. He was tired and no longer in his beautiful tuxedo. I shook from nerves. We sat for a long while at the dining table in the kitchen. Eventually, Ma would arrive after deciding it would be best if I wasn't alone that night.
Stuart and I hashed out our issues, discussed solutions, and I made promises. I knew the hardships of our relationship laid heavily with me. My lacking ability of communication was a major downfall. For so long, I haven't needed this level of communication. I'd never had a relationship last more than a month. I learned from my father that it was ok to walk away in the middle of the conversation. I learned from my mom that it was ok to sweep conflicts under a rug and walk around them. It's what my family did. Is that the right way to do things? No, not really, but it's how we functioned. Now, I'm learned to speak my mind, make my wants and needs known, and not to clam up when there's a disagreement. It's a slow process, but I'm doing better at it than my other adjustment.

My diet must change. I'm killing myself the way I eat. Now, I'm feasting on apples, potatoes, rice, whole grain bread, organic cereals, organic crackers, and other fresh produce on a regular basis. Thanksgiving and the end of the semester has caused me to take a step back from my progress, but I still drink as much water and any fluid really as possible. I find it ironic that it was after my major diet change that I became legitimately sick for the first time since last winter. I may have bronchitis... but I've stopped having so many headaches, I've stopped feeling lethargic all day. I'm feeling better about myself and the choices I'm making. It's a major improvement, but I slip up on a regular basis. I will never give up my candy!!! NEVER!
Stuart and I are back together. We were apart for 24 horrible hours. And, it's not bad. It's not we-broke-up-and-it's-all-awkward-now. No, in fact, I'd say it's better than it was in the last few months before the break-up. We're getting through it like any other young adult couple who is in a long distance relationship, one with a full-time job and the other a full-time student about to take on a part-time job.
Yeah, it's like that!

My Only Sunshine

Continued from Please Don't Take my Sunshine Away...

I sat outside the church after the ceremony. Everyone else filed past me to the Fellowship building in the other parking lot for the reception. I waited for Stuart... and waited... and waited... and waited...! He was part of the wedding party, remember? That means he had to partake in the official wedding photos. You know how those go! I sat in between the brick pillars that used to hold the sign of the church quietly singing "You are my Sunshine." I had listened to the famous bit at the end of a very appropriate Katy Perry music video, "The One That Got Away."
I had to get Stuart back! The loss of him had made everything clear! Don't you hate that? When losing the most important thing is when everything clicks into place and you know you want them more than anything? Or even it? Being able to have kids and you can't. To have one more conversation with your mom even though all you did was fight. The love of your life. But, sometimes... it's too late. I prayed with all my heart that it wasn't too late for Stuart and me.
Everything that got in our way - my lack of communication, The Viking and everything that went with him... suddenly, all the songs I listened to that applied to The Viking now applied to Stuart. I didn't think of The Viking anymore when I heard them. I thought only of Stuart. I think that was the kicker for me - the moment when I knew.
Finally, Stuart joined me at the brick foundation. It was awkward, then I just blurted out all of these things that didn't make sense anymore coming out of my mouth. They were all so organized in my head. Now, it was a mess of strings of words. But, I told him I was going to fix this, I had made a mistake, and I wanted him back!

He looked at me skeptically. I certainly hadn't fought this hard the day before when he'd broken up with me, I'm sure he was thinking. To Stuart, the day before was the end. That was it! It hadn't worked out, and now it was time to learn to move on. But I held on too hard! I promised that things would change, I would change, and we'd be better.
He promised we'd talk later. Now wasn't the best time. I nodded.
"It's not a no or a yes. It's a maybe. Can we talk tonight?"
I nodded.
"Are you going to the reception?" he asked.
"No," I answered quietly. He was supposed to dance with me during the reception. What if they played our song? Anything by Carbon Leaf, Paramore, Eminem, We the Kings? We were supposed to act like a normal couple that didn't add mile after mile after mile to their vehicles every week to see each other. It was supposed to be us celebrating the beginning for another couple. I had sat through the wedding. I couldn't put myself through the reception.
I had the longest drive home... longer than the five hours to Cullowhee from Raleigh, longer than the drive from Cullowhee to Mount Holly to Raleigh... it was a long half an hour filled with tears and too many thoughts.
That night, I called my mom and exploded into tears...!

Photo of the Day November 25

On Thanksgiving, I met up with Stuart's mom for a picnic lunch. While I was waiting, I explored Shelley Lake Park and found something called a Wish Tree. Sparingly over the branches, colored paper danced against the yellow and red leaves. Wishes were written on the paper, things like "I wish I could take his pain away," "I like girls and I'm a girl. Sorry Mom!," and "I wish I could make up my mind."
I have a big wish, one I've had for over a year. So, I wrote it down on a green slip of paper and tied it to the tree. Here it dances in the wind for anyone to read: I wish Stuart and I could be in the same city for more than a weekend!

Please Don't Take my Sunshine Away

On the morning of Day One without Stuart, I slept way later than I'm used to from nursing the side effects of staying up half the night with my roommates and their partying friends plus the added help of a martini glass of homemade strawberry daiquiri without the mixer (yes, I stereotypically turned to the guest that's always invited to a party: alcohol. But, I didn't even have a whole shot of rum and that was it. I was so completely sober that I was in charge of taking the so not sober people to Spartan Mart for more alcohol. Drinking the daiquiri was more symbolic than anything else as it clearly didn't alter my mind or mood).
That day, Stuart and I were supposed to attend a wedding together, his best friends' wedding to be exact. Stuart would be a groomsman; I would be an audience member, and together we would dance away the night at the reception together, him in his tuxedo and me in a little flowing dress. Upon waking, the realization that none of this was going to happen was crushing. Suddenly, I had to see him!
With only an hour to get ready, I had Anna straighten my wild hair and help me pick out a dress. I raced around the house like a madwoman before jumping in my car for Winston Salem. It was the longest, most agonizing drive. There were so many things I wanted to say, there were so many things I had to say!

I got to the church an hour early (my first mistake). I walked in in my knee-length forest green dress with cap sleeves and a sweetheart neckline. It's my favorite in my closet. And there was Stuart! He wore a chocolate brown tuxedo with shiny brown shoes, auburn vest, crisp tie, and a fall-inspired corsage on his chest. He was the most handsome I'd ever seen him, and because of what had happened the day before, it was socially unacceptable for me to hold his hand... forget pulling him into my arms for a long, passionate kiss, which is all I wanted to do. He was beautiful; he was looked like any movie character at the prom, wedding, or masquerade ball scene where the lovers come together in their best dressed and exchange shy, loving smiles. Except this time... there were no loving smiles. It was tense and awkward and heartbreaking.
I signed the guest book and Stuart escorted me into the beautifully decorated church. I was left alone in the middle of the pew with nothing to do for an hour. I was in agony! To distract myself, I picked up the Holy Bible and began reading ravenously.
It was the worst torture I had ever put myself through... or so I thought. Then the wedding started. Ashley was so breathtaking and beautiful in her white flowing dress! It was perfect for her! And as soon as she started walking down the aisle, she and her maid of honor started tearing up. I kept glancing at Stuart, but his back was turned to me. I sat through the quick ceremony blinking back tears and trying not to lose it. I was heartbroken, the bridge and the groom were getting exactly what I had dreamed of: a beautiful wedding, and the man I love more than anything was looking the best he ever had ten feet away and he wasn't mine anymore.

To be continued...

One Year, One Month, and Four Days

Stuart broke up with me today...
It's over. 
And as the realization of how much I've just lost crashes upon me, I can't write any more. I need some time because right now, it just hurts so much.

Tug of War

There's a never good way to admit that there are cracks in your relationship, especially when you've been so happy for so long.
There are never right answers your friends can give you when you're in the thick of it. They can try. But, there's no magical answer that can get you to feel whole again.
When is too long to fight? What's holding on too hard? How do you know when to keep fighting or when it's time to quit?
Is there a point where it's just sad and pathetic to keep going? Does everyone around you see the breaking point while you keep struggling for something that's never going to heal?

What if you want to give up but the other person doesn't? If you don't give up, but they do?
How can you tell if a relationship is over or it's just a really hard time to get through? What if you're not supposed to be fighting because the end if inevitable? How do you let go of something you want even though it's broken?
Why can't your friends give you advice you can take when they've been through the same thing? Do they disappear because they don't know how to help or do you unconsciously push them away?
Is the heart ever whole again from relationship to relationship? Or is there a piece of yourself floating around with the person you left behind or that left you behind? Does their piece take the place of the piece they took from you? How does a heart beat correctly with pieces of other people trying to work together?

How is it fair that during the socially accepted time of our lives to find our "soul mate" and our "true love" that our bodies wage war against us and makes us the ugliest we're ever going to look with acne all over our faces, oily hair, gangly limbs, misshapen breasts, and  crooked teeth?
How do you end up so far off the page from the person you love that you're not even in the same book anymore?
Why is it wrong to love more than one person? How is it possible not to? How is it possible to not be attracted to more than one person? And, how do you choose?

Guest Blog: Written by Stuart

Stuart and I have been dating for 10 months now. We met in the little town of Cullowhee where we both attended Western Carolina University. We began dating on October 7th and in December, Stuart graduated with a bachelor's in hospitality and tourism. He moved back to his hometown of Raleigh to work at a job all of us hope to get when we graduate college. We began round one of our long distance relationship and survived. Over the summer, we shared a home, two pets, and an amazing adventure in growing up and becoming adults. Now, our long distance relationship continues as I have moved to Greensboro to continue my college degree at the University of North Carolina in Greensboro.
You have all heard my thoughts and feelings on this move. Now, he wants to tell you his. This was written on Tuesday, August 9th.

~~~

"Tonight marks the restart of Lex's and my long distance relationship. We spent yesterday and until the mid afternoon of today in Greensboro finishing the process of moving her into her new house. It was a sad day for us, because we, or at least I, found myself counting down the hours until I had to leave. It was a familiar feeling, and it made me reminisce about leaving her in Cullowhee after I came to visit. But it was somehow different, too. It felt a little less stressful.  I only had an hour drive (instead of four and a half) and knew with her being so close, I could visit her even when I didn't have two consecutive days off. Knowing all of this comforted me, and I think with time, will comfort her too. 

"Now, don't misunderstand me, I still cried and was very sad as we hugged and kissed in her driveway right before I left. She looked at me with the most saddened and desperate eyes while she begged me not to leave. When I look back in the coming years, remembering the good and bad times, that will  be one of the worst. No fight we have ever had compares to the despair and heartbreak in those eyes and pleas that both conveyed and caused me to feel. Even now, 12 hours later, my throat tightens and tears will up at that image. I'm sorry it hurts so much, baby. I miss you too.

"But I don't think it started to hit me until around 10 p.m. tonight at work. We were pretty much done, just the last few tables left, and I just felt dead, heavy. I moved around slowly, really more out of habit than actual conscience decision. I knew that I was going home to my apartment without Lex, which right now doesn't feel like home. As I drove home, the feelings of sadness and loneliness increased with each mile. When I made the last turn before my apartment complex, I began softly crying slow tears. I envisioned walking past my roommate and his new lady friend and choking on my words when she asked were my girlfriend was. I knew I would be unable to answer her. 

"As I opened the door I caught myself just as I was starting to call the cat's name, "Sparta," as I had done almost ever night upon returning from work. As I walked down the hall, I cried more, until I reached the bedroom door. I turned on the light and a note tacked to the wall caught my attention. "Be Happy." I slumped against the wall beside it, touching it, upset because I couldn't be happy because Lex wasn't there, and upset because she wanted me to to be happy and I couldn't do that for her.

"I turned to examine the rest of the room, searching for anything of hers left behind. At first I saw nothing, but then I began noticing small things: our coloring book picture, a stained glass panel, her blue pen on my nightstand, a pile of thumbtacks on a drink coaster, her towel. All her posters are gone and my room has lost all its character, all its feeling. The only spark of life in its empty vastness are the sounds of Nutmeg the hamster moving about her cage. I have decided I am not letting her live with Lex because in holding and playing with it I can see Lex doing those very things, and I am not willing to lose those memories. 

"I miss her a lot tonight; it's always harder in the beginning. I would say it gets easier as time passes, but it's not so much that it's easier... but that the first nights are more shocking than the ones that follow. I know I won't cry every night on the way home from work, just like I know she won't cry every morning when she wakes up. We will both find things to do to occupy our minds and keep us busy during the times we are apart. And when we are together, we will try to relish every minute and not take our time for granted."

~ Stuart

Long Way Down

There’s a program I’ve been watching through NetFlix called “Long Way Down.” Technically, it’s the spin-off for “Long Way Round” in which actors Ewan McGregor from Star Wars and Moulin Rouge! and Charley Boorman travel around the world from London to New York on BMW motorbikes. It was quite the adventure, and they decide to have another go in “Long Way Down” by traveling from John O’Groats, Scotland (the highest point in Scotland) to Cape Town, South Africa.

I watched “Long Way Round” with my sister Kate. We had a great time watching it. It showed up as a marathon on SPIKE TV and we basically sat in front of the television all day completely engrossed in the show as Ewan and Charley rode across Europe and into Russia and Mongolia, flew to Alaska, then drove down through Canada and over to New York City. It was amazing seeing all the different people and the different cultures.

I’ve been watching “Long Way Down” by myself and I’ve found it to have a much bigger impact on me than the first one. I think it’s because of the well-known tragedies of Africa. Ewan and Charley stop a lot of places on this trip that deal with their connection to the charity UNICEF and they talk about the HIV/AIDS issue in all of Africa. It’s been extremely moving and sometimes hard to watch these families in completely poverty. I just feel disgusted with myself with my big TV and my cozy bed watching it, just so ungrateful and useless. Also, all the amazing animals they’ve been seeing in the wild. No fences, no barriers, no fake rocks painted to look like Africa. Real elephants and zebras and giraffes and all these amazing gigantic animals that we just don’t have in the United States. We have bears and a few big cats (most of them being endangered or extinct anyway) but nothing like what Africa has with these behemoth land animals. It makes me feel so small and insignificant. I also feel like anything I’ve ever done, whatever adventure I’ve had is nothing compared to what they did.

In the episode I just watched, Ewan’s wife Eve (pronounced Ev) showed up for a small part of the journey. It was touching to see the two of them interacting with each other and how excited they were for the other as they got to share the trip together. Also, Charley and one of the cameramen went bungee jumping over Victoria Falls. Now, one of my worst fears is heights! I can’t stand heights! And here they were as if it were nothing at all… jumping over this ridiculously tall bridge and trusting your average rope to make sure they didn’t fall to their deaths. Then, the cameraman gets on the screen and says that it’s what he’s most afraid of but he’s doing it anyway!

I was speechless! I literally sat forward in my bed with my hands over my mouth watching them fall over the bridge and plunging into nothingness for what seemed like forever. And when they started swinging at the end of the rope, I actually felt tears pricking the corners of my eyes. I don’t know why really, I just thought it was so amazing and I wished more than anything I could do the same. I probably never will… my fear is quite strong… but I just had the overwhelming urge to go find a large bridge and bungee jump!

But more than anything, I wanted Stuart to be there with me as I watched the show. I wanted him to be there and experience that with me, to feel what I was feeling or to create his own feelings by what I was watching. I don’t know… maybe he would find the whole thing silly and would have laughed to which I would have gotten very angry at him. But, I don’t think he would have. I just wanted him to be there whatever his reaction might be. I wanted to tell him all about my feelings in that moment and how I suddenly wanted to bungee jump and how I wanted to stay at the little inn on this massive freshwater lake in the middle of Malawi and see all the different animals in a Jeep and visit with these amazing people they were meeting.

But he’s at work… in Raleigh… and he’ll be at work for a long time… I can’t even text him…

That is what’s so hard about this whole thing. No matter how millionaire-wannabes create a new social networking website, no matter how many blog posts I create, how many text messages I send, how many hours we Skype, or how many times Facebook changes its Chat feature… there are some things you can only experience together in person, there are some thoughts you can only tell each other face-to-face. And being apart in a long distance relationship, you miss out on a lot of memories you would have had if you were together. 

At Ma's wedding

The Summer of 2011, a Review

The summer is coming to a close and quickly. I have finally found a place to live in Greensboro, and the keys are jingling on my key ring. It's a cute house close to campus I'm sharing with Joe and Anna (or JoAnna) and our three pets. I move in on August 6th and start my new job as a Sandwich Artist at Subway on August 10th! School starts soon after!!

Best thing that happened: moving in with Stuart

Worst: Car insurance business and never finding a job...

Best single day: First day at the Outer Banks with Stuart for our 9-month anniversary

Worst: Being sick because of the heat when the air conditioner was out; Ralph the bat being put to sleep!

New friend: Kerrigan, Mitchell's daughter

Song of the summer: "The Last Goodbye" by David Cook, "Sleepwalker Glam Nation Live version" by Adam Lambert, "Friday is Forever" by We the Kings

Artist of the summer: We the Kings

Best day trip: Going to Greensboro and finally finding my new house!!

New house on Milton Street

Wish I had: been able to swim more

Movie of the summer, DVD: Long Way Down series, 300, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

Movie of the summer, theaters: Water for Elephants

Most proud of: Making it work with Stuart and working hard on my new novel

Could have lived without: Cleaning out the Cullowhee apartment

Couldn't have lived without: Stuart

Loved: How hard Stuart tried no matter how sick or bitchy I was

Wished: Stuart and I had had more time

Dreamed: Many strange things!

Surpised by: Talking to The Viking again?! What?? Didn't see that one coming.

Appreciated: Stuart's tireless efforts to make sure I had the best summer

Hated: Family drama, money problems, Ralph the bat's untimely death!

Stressed over: Never finding a job, keeping my car, finding a house in Greensboro, getting my college stuff organized

Smiled at: My adorable hamster, my silly Sparta, my adventures in Mount Holly, being with MK, and Morgan asking me to dance at Vic's Italian Restaurant

To be continued: Finish my novel, never give up on my relationship, and trying new foods

Ma's wedding

Kodak Moment: 8 Months

Happy eight months, baby!! It's been an insane ride, and it makes me love you stronger. These have been some of the best months of my life. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Having way too much fun with the web cam!

Gone hiking in Raleigh

Visiting Ma in Mount Holly

Graduation day

Our first Christmas tree

The Tough Romantic Questions Part 5

1. Throughout your life, what experiences do you feel contributed most to the person you have become today?
My schooling at a private Christian school from first grade to 9th.
My freshman year at Western Carolina University
My parents' divorce
Having Kate as a sister
Watching "Animal Planet" while growing up

2. Life is marked by a handful of experiences that change the direction we take. What would you say is one experience that changed the course of your life in general?
My parents' divorce. It changed who I was, what I thought "family" meant, who I thought my parents were, and how safe I felt in my home. You never get over something like that.

3. What is an example of one major decision that you have made, and how did you handle the situation?
I decided to uproot myself and live in an apartment at the beginning of August 2010. I wanted to begin the process of starting my own life and live physically independent from my family. No one understood, but I did. I needed to get out of that house. I needed to break away from the situation in which I was living in and begin my own family. That may seem silly coming from a 19-year-old, but it makes sense to me. Sparta and I... yeah, he's a cat, but we're family. And right now during this summer, Morgan, along with Sparta and our new hamster Nutmeg, and I are a family. We're weird and different, but it is the type of bonds and support I wanted to begin and discover on my own. There's no question that it was hard to leave the house I had grown up in. I can tell you a memory for every square inch of that house and yard. But, I needed a change. I needed to grow.

4. Have you had an experience that you consider to be the most embarrassing? Why was it embarrassing?
Any time I've accidentally eaten Splenda. I'm too embarrassed to explain why. I shall only say... I get very, very, very sick!

5. How do you remember your  "first love?"
I remember him fondly. I still love him, but in a different way. MK and I have a strange relationship - it's a mixture of brother-sister, best friends, and a taste of an older romantic couple. I remember us only have one fight, and I have never raised my voice at him. There's something about MK that if my life doesn't work out the way I want it to, I'd ask him to be with me for the rest of my life. We probably wouldn't marry or be intimate. We'd just share our lives together as the inseparable pair that we are. It's why it kills me so much to not be in the same city or even the same county as he is. To be apart from him is to be missing a part of myself, a part I love and cherish wholeheartedly.

6. What type of pet do you enjoy the most and why?
I've had all types: lizards, snakes, hermit crabs, dogs, cats, hamster, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish (both saltwater and freshwater).... And, I enjoy them all for different reasons.
Dogs for their loyalty.
Cats for their playfulness, curiosity, and cuddle factor.
Small mammals for being so freaking cute and interesting to watch.
In the end, I'm going to have to say a horse. Unfortunately, I've never owned a horse... but it's been the one dream I've had my entire life that still stays with me even today. One day, one day...! My dream is to own a Hanoverian... but I'd take any old thing I could ride and care for.

7. What is your opinion when it comes to marriage?
I used to think, "Nope I'm never going to marry." My friends all referred to me as the "future cat lady," and I had completely accepted this. I was going to live as busy journalist woman with my house of cats to come home to... and maybe a few dogs, and a horse! I didn't want to be married. I didn't and really still don't want to have kids. When I thought about my future, all I saw was a reasonably-sized house with a good chunk of land. That was where my happiness lied.
Then I met Morgan... and as our relationship grew and strengthened, my thoughts of marriage changed. My opinion now is that I just want him. If he were to walk over here right now from the kitchen table in his red gym shorts and plopped down on one knees with just as much as a knotted stem from my dying roses from Valentine's Day and asked me to be the future Mrs. Morgan... I'd say "yes."
...We would then celebrate a very long engagement!

"Morgan" sleeping with Morgan the bear

An Open Letter to Stuart

Easter Day, April 24, 2011

Hey baby,

 It's been a crazy day with my family... as all days with my family are. I miss you very much, but I know that even if I was in Raleigh today, we still wouldn't be able to be together because you're so busy at work.

I woke up very early this morning because I had to sleep on the mattress from the couch bed meaning that I actually slept on the floor because you know how awful those springs are. Sparta and I slept in my old room together, which has been turned into a mash-up of mine and Anne's personalities. On the floor, there's an ocean of pink things like Hello Kitties and princess accessories which spell disaster for my feet should I step on them. Then on the walls there are cut-outs of celebrity pictures from Entertainment Weekly and a Cher poster on the ceiling from where I left behind evidence of my living in that room for over ten years.

As you know, everyone speaks here in a loud voice and screams. My Southern accent (which somehow I managed to escape speaking in all while growing up) has arrived on my tongue in the strongest of fashions. It wouldn't be going away until I leave Gaston County again... Gassten Coun'ee. There are a bunch of screams,  barks, and meows. Remington hates Sparta and Sparta hates Remington and Piddy Paws seems pissed at both! Ma talks about the hardships of life and how line dance classes are going. Then she screams about something. Kate talks veryreallyfastandIcan'tkeepup and then screams that Seth pinched her or something. And Anne just screams in general before lapsing into babbling.

Nothing has changed except the size of Remington. He is blossoming into a handsome young cat! His tail is a giant Q-tip of a puffball and his face is round and regal like a lion. He's hardly bullet gray anymore taking on a deep, dark brown and saddle tanish color. But good grief has he gotten HUGE!!

Ma and I went to church this morning to listen to a lovely sermon on the Resurrection.  Shockingly enough, there weren't any extra videos about the crucifixion or any skits.  Typically, my church can get a bit theatrical on holidays but this Easter, nothing but the fog machine during worship hour. Afterwards, we dined at Sonic and got burgers - hers with tots, mine with fries.

Then it was calm until Kate and Anne showed up. I wandered around in the backyard with  Sparta and read a few chapters of Wicked. Then I played Endless Ocean 2 on the Wii for awhile after switching from NetFlix (which I'm now sharing with the family via the Wii system). Last night, I showed everyone Stomp LIVE, which was a huge hit!! We didn't get to watch the whole thing  but I made sure they saw the newspaper bit and the sink part. Anne has now found my  NetFlix and is currently watching the Strawberry Shortcake movie.... help me!!!

When Father showed up with Anne, I ran over to his house to dump Sparta off since he was so upset over being in a house with other cats. Then, I drove back to Mount Holly for the annual egg dying and egg hunting.

  Speaking of driving, Little Honda got an oil change yesterday thanks to Seth and she'll need brand new tires tomorrow. The current tires are completely bald and worn down to the metal. I feel horrible for never noticing and being an official Terrible Car Owner.

I'm missing you and Nutmeg!!! I didn't get nearly enough time to play with the hamster and rest with you before I had to go back to school. Two more weeks, baby, two more weeks!!!!!!

Dinner is a-cookin' and we dine at 6:00-ish. Remington and Piddy Paws have to be locked in the laundry room because they beg for food that badly... more like steal food that craftily. When they were put up for dinner last night, I let Sparta out of the back bedroom and bragged about what a good cat he was. He never tried to grab food once. Kate is peeling the egg shells off of Ma's deviled eggs and later we're going to be enslaved to peel potatoes for her mashed potatoes. I'm sure there will be another chore or two because of this massive ham she's baking. Yes, that's right: ham! As you know I despise ham, so I get to eat corn-on-the-cob and orange sherbet for dessert! Yay for me!! And now Kate has been fired from shelling eggs because apparently she... sucks.

Dinner was a colorful affair of Seth eating everything in sight and making love to the honey glaze on the ham and the rest of us shouting over each  other to pass something or other. It ends calmly with fake Scottish accents and orange sherbet and apple pie. How all three of things go together, I don't know... only at Ma's house.

I best go,  baby!! I'm am so, so proud of you and I can't wait until this summer!!!! It's going to be so great to be with you and Nutmeg with Sparta on a regular basis! One big happy family... with Fox!! :)

Yours,

 Lex

The Tough Romantic Questions Part 4

1. How would you describe the most romantic night of your life?

WNC Nature Center

I think that was the entire week that Morgan and I had alone in the apartment between the end of exams and Christmas Eve. We got to experience each other without the school work, the jobs, and the roommates. It was the perfect opportunity to strengthen our relationship and say good bye before we started our long distance relationship.

2. How would you describe "intimacy?"
Being completely exposed by sharing thoughts, experiences, and passions. I find it to be less physical and more of verbal explorations of each other.

3. How would you describe "love?"
You're willing to sacrifice your life for theirs because it'd be easier than living in a world without them.

4. If someone you were in a relationship with were to become mentally disabled, like through the means of a car accident or stroke, would you continue in the relationship with them?
Morgan and I were actually just talking about this quite recently. He said, it'd depend. I said without a doubt, yes, I would continue being in the relationship with him. Would it be hard? Absolutely! I'm not scared of hardship if it deals with staying with the person I love or not or else I wouldn't have willingly and knowingly jumped into a relationship that I knew would become long distance in less than four months. If Morgan became disabled today, then I'd spend my life taking care of both of us.

5. If you were to become a mother of a child who was born with some type of birth abnormality, how would you react?
That's hard to say because I'm not a fan of children to begin with. I'm assuming my feelings for my own child would be different from my overall attitude to children. I would hope that my heart would melt and I would feel that "mother bear" protectiveness that I have felt for my boys and Kate or any animal I've ever come across. And if that happened, then it wouldn't matter that my child wasn't perfect medically. I'm not perfect medically! It'd be a shock and a major adjustment but I'm sure we'd all get through it. As long as I never became like one of those mothers in a Jodi Picoult novel... if I ever acted that sad and desperate, just take me out.

6. If Morgan had to travel for one reason or another, and you were not able to come along, how would you react in waiting for me?
This question is null and void.We all know how I'd react. I'm reacting to it right now . I've been reacting to it for four months.

7. If you were offered five million dollars in exchange for leaving everything you have behind (including Morgan), would you do it?
I've always believed in the Moulin Rouge-philosophy of love before money. No, I wouldn't leave Morgan for $5 million. What would I have? That buys me nothing that equals or is greater than him in return.

8. If someone you were in a relationship with were to become physically disabled, would you continue in the relationship with them?
More so than question 4. I could handle physical better than mental but the answer still stands. Yes.

Distance Traveler's Girlfriend Part 3

This is how I imagine Morgan feels... though he is not a time traveler.

"HENRY: ...When I am out there, in time, I am inverted, changed into a desperate version of myself. I become a thief, a vagrant, an animal who runs and hides. I startle old women and amaze children. I am a trick, an illusion of the highest order, so incredible that I am actually true.

"Is there a logic, a rule to all this coming and going, all this dislocation? Is there a way to stay put, to embrace the present with every cell? I don't know. There are clues; as with any disease there are patterns, possibilities. Exhaustion, loud noises, stress, standing up suddenly, flashing light - any of these can trigger an episode. But: I can be reading the Sunday Times, coffee in hand and Clare dozing beside me on our bed and suddenly I'm in 1976 watching my thirteen-year-old self mow my grandparents' lawn. Some of these episodes last only moments; it's like listening to a car radio that's having trouble holding on to a station...

"...It's ironic, really. All my pleasures are homey ones: armchair splendor, the sedate excitements of domesticity. All I ask for are humble delights. A mystery novel in bed, the smell of Clare's long red-gold hair damp from washing, a postcard from a friend on vacation, cream dispersing into coffee, the softness of the skin under Clare's breasts, the symmetry of grocery bags sitting on the kitchen counter waiting to be unpacked. I love meandering through the stacks at the library after the patrons have gone home, lightly touching the spines of books. These are the things that can pierce me with longing when I am displaced from them by Time's whim.

"And Clare, always Clare. Clare in the morning, sleepy and crumple-faced. Clare with her arms plunging into the paper-making vat, pulling up the mold and shaking it so, and so, to meld the fibers. Clare reading with her hair hanging over the back of the chair, massaging balm into her cracked red hands before bed. Clare's low voice in my ear often.
"I hate to be where she is not, when she is not. And yet, I am always going, and she cannot follow."

--- Niffenegger, Audrey. The Time Traveler's Wife. Orlando: Harcourt, Inc, 2004. Print.