A Conversation with Mac the Cat

Mac, why do you pee on the floor? Just why?! No one else pees on the floor. Not the kitchen floor, not the living room floor, not my floor, not in front of every door we have in this house!! And why do you always aim for the air vents??? I think you secretly know that if you pee in the air vent your scent will be filtered through the whole house. It's really quite remarkable your crafty intelligence.

"I may look cute and cuddly, but inside... GRANITE!!" - Cats & Dogs

Fleetwood doesn't pee on the floor. Sparta... he's a cat too, you know... doesn't pee on the floor!! He pees in a box like you're supposed to! Every day, he uses his litter box how ever much he wants to and no one gets mad. He doesn't get shouted at. He doesn't get scolded. He lives a very relaxed life as a very well-behaved cat. Don't you want that type of life too? You could even argue that Fleetwood pees in a box considering the backyard is boxy. He doesn't get yelled at. He is treated like king... mostly because he's a dog. But not just any dog! He's a good dog. A very good dog that pees in a box. Nutmeg pees in a box for crying out loud!!!!! In the same box she sleeps in!! You don't have to sleep in your litter box. You don't have to go inside except to use the bathroom!!! SO USE IT!! 
I find you to be a frustrating cat. You're freaking cute, but it's difficult to like something that pees on the floor. Do you know that your pee stinks? Like STINK stinks! Not just stinks! STINK stinks!! There's a big difference. Sparta's pee stinks because it's in an enclosed box and you can occasionally get a sniff of it. No, your pee is circulating through the ventilation system of my house! Your pee STINK stinks!!!

Mac stealing Sparta's Kitty Kube

I just thought I should let you know about this. I wanted to warn you that your balls will be cut off... ASAP! It's time, dear boy! You've crossed the line of leaving your litter box behind to be cool and use whatever scrap of floor you can find. Well, now it's war and you're going to vet, let there be no doubt that!! It's time for the birds and the bees talk, sir. Bees sting and you'll never catch a bird. I'm sorry but it's true. Also, there aren't any females in this house... not any females for you anyway, and while Sparta may take it like a girl, I don't want to watch or clean up afterwards. If I wanted to see some action like that, I'd watch real cats do it on Animal Planet. But on my bed... it's sick!!!

Stalking the hamster

So you're heading to the vet, sir! Enough is enough and the time has come for you to lose your manhood. Crossing your legs isn't going to solve anything. Have a good time and send us a postcard. I'll be scrubbing the house with vinegar and spraying every inch with Febreeze. By the time you get back, it'll smell like you've never been here before! And that's the way it'll stay! Bon voyage!