Photo of the Day: June 25

Great news, everyone! Stuart and I are now roommates!!! :) We live in the same two-bedroom trailer on the edge of Scotts Creek! That's a major improvement to living five hours apart, I'll tell ya that!
To celebrate this big occasion, we went to Claymates Pottery to paint a plate to display in our new home! Like anything decided on together, it wasn't the easiest process, but we managed! I put waves under my name because I love the ocean while Stuart has the mountains! We also put giant paw prints (which I traced from a Google Images jpg displayed on the screen of my Blackberry... gotta love technology) for our mutual love of animals! And, October 7, 2010 is our anniversary, of course! :)
What do you think? Soon, we will purchase a stand to display it in the kitchen.

Together

I have been waiting for this day since exactly one year ago! I can happily say that my dream has come true and that the wait is over.

Next week, my boyfriend Stuart is moving to Cullowhee!!!!!! 

Our long distance relationship is over!

Stuart has decided that after working for The Angus Barn since last January, he wants to move on and find a place that will help him move forward in the cooking ladder. While The Angus Barn comes with a lot of prestige and respect, employees stay at the Barn for many years. Due to this, there is little opportunity to be promoted. At 23, Stuart has big ambitions and wants to some day be a kitchen manager. 

After my announcement of returning to Western Carolina University for this spring, Stuart and I faced once again being five hours away from each other. Honestly, I didn't think we'd survive it for a second time, but I wanted to make the right decision for me and my career. It's not guaranteed that Stuart and I will marry each other. I needed to make a decision based on what I knew: UNC-Greensboro and I didn't get along in any way, and I needed a solid education to make sure I could get a job after graduating. Even if it meant a huge hit on our relationship, I had to put my education first. 

While I was preparing for Cullowhee, Stuart started to think about where that left him. It turns out that Western Carolina's catering company, the same company where Stuart worked during his years as an undergraduate at WCU, is looking for a sous chef. While Stuart does not have the sous chef job, he will begin working for the catering department this February with the understanding and motivation to soon become the sous chef. With his background and his experience already with the WCU and Aramark, I have no doubt he will quickly succeed at his goal. 

I am so proud of him and the major decision he is not only making for us but that he's also making for his career path. For the first time, he's permanently moving away from his hometown and Raleigh and living on his own without parents, siblings, or even a roommate. He has a beautiful efficiently-style cabin settled in the woods in Balsalm Gap that overlooks a small brook and comes with horseshoes, a fire pit, and a mini gym.

It is has been difficult this month to be without him, and to have no Internet until this week and no cell phone service at my trailer. I can't text him good night or good morning until I get to campus. The lack of communication has hurt us, but next Wednesday, things are going to be very different. 

For the first time since Christmas 2010, we will be living in the same city (or close enough anyway), working in the same community, and there's no end in sight. He won't be graduating this time. I won't be going anywhere. We won't a relationship based on longing for the other and waiting... just waiting until the other comes back. 

Next week, the next big step in my relationship with Stuart begins. I can't wait or be more excited!!! I love you, Stuart. 

My Only Sunshine

Continued from Please Don't Take my Sunshine Away...

I sat outside the church after the ceremony. Everyone else filed past me to the Fellowship building in the other parking lot for the reception. I waited for Stuart... and waited... and waited... and waited...! He was part of the wedding party, remember? That means he had to partake in the official wedding photos. You know how those go! I sat in between the brick pillars that used to hold the sign of the church quietly singing "You are my Sunshine." I had listened to the famous bit at the end of a very appropriate Katy Perry music video, "The One That Got Away."
I had to get Stuart back! The loss of him had made everything clear! Don't you hate that? When losing the most important thing is when everything clicks into place and you know you want them more than anything? Or even it? Being able to have kids and you can't. To have one more conversation with your mom even though all you did was fight. The love of your life. But, sometimes... it's too late. I prayed with all my heart that it wasn't too late for Stuart and me.
Everything that got in our way - my lack of communication, The Viking and everything that went with him... suddenly, all the songs I listened to that applied to The Viking now applied to Stuart. I didn't think of The Viking anymore when I heard them. I thought only of Stuart. I think that was the kicker for me - the moment when I knew.
Finally, Stuart joined me at the brick foundation. It was awkward, then I just blurted out all of these things that didn't make sense anymore coming out of my mouth. They were all so organized in my head. Now, it was a mess of strings of words. But, I told him I was going to fix this, I had made a mistake, and I wanted him back!

He looked at me skeptically. I certainly hadn't fought this hard the day before when he'd broken up with me, I'm sure he was thinking. To Stuart, the day before was the end. That was it! It hadn't worked out, and now it was time to learn to move on. But I held on too hard! I promised that things would change, I would change, and we'd be better.
He promised we'd talk later. Now wasn't the best time. I nodded.
"It's not a no or a yes. It's a maybe. Can we talk tonight?"
I nodded.
"Are you going to the reception?" he asked.
"No," I answered quietly. He was supposed to dance with me during the reception. What if they played our song? Anything by Carbon Leaf, Paramore, Eminem, We the Kings? We were supposed to act like a normal couple that didn't add mile after mile after mile to their vehicles every week to see each other. It was supposed to be us celebrating the beginning for another couple. I had sat through the wedding. I couldn't put myself through the reception.
I had the longest drive home... longer than the five hours to Cullowhee from Raleigh, longer than the drive from Cullowhee to Mount Holly to Raleigh... it was a long half an hour filled with tears and too many thoughts.
That night, I called my mom and exploded into tears...!

Please Don't Take my Sunshine Away

On the morning of Day One without Stuart, I slept way later than I'm used to from nursing the side effects of staying up half the night with my roommates and their partying friends plus the added help of a martini glass of homemade strawberry daiquiri without the mixer (yes, I stereotypically turned to the guest that's always invited to a party: alcohol. But, I didn't even have a whole shot of rum and that was it. I was so completely sober that I was in charge of taking the so not sober people to Spartan Mart for more alcohol. Drinking the daiquiri was more symbolic than anything else as it clearly didn't alter my mind or mood).
That day, Stuart and I were supposed to attend a wedding together, his best friends' wedding to be exact. Stuart would be a groomsman; I would be an audience member, and together we would dance away the night at the reception together, him in his tuxedo and me in a little flowing dress. Upon waking, the realization that none of this was going to happen was crushing. Suddenly, I had to see him!
With only an hour to get ready, I had Anna straighten my wild hair and help me pick out a dress. I raced around the house like a madwoman before jumping in my car for Winston Salem. It was the longest, most agonizing drive. There were so many things I wanted to say, there were so many things I had to say!

I got to the church an hour early (my first mistake). I walked in in my knee-length forest green dress with cap sleeves and a sweetheart neckline. It's my favorite in my closet. And there was Stuart! He wore a chocolate brown tuxedo with shiny brown shoes, auburn vest, crisp tie, and a fall-inspired corsage on his chest. He was the most handsome I'd ever seen him, and because of what had happened the day before, it was socially unacceptable for me to hold his hand... forget pulling him into my arms for a long, passionate kiss, which is all I wanted to do. He was beautiful; he was looked like any movie character at the prom, wedding, or masquerade ball scene where the lovers come together in their best dressed and exchange shy, loving smiles. Except this time... there were no loving smiles. It was tense and awkward and heartbreaking.
I signed the guest book and Stuart escorted me into the beautifully decorated church. I was left alone in the middle of the pew with nothing to do for an hour. I was in agony! To distract myself, I picked up the Holy Bible and began reading ravenously.
It was the worst torture I had ever put myself through... or so I thought. Then the wedding started. Ashley was so breathtaking and beautiful in her white flowing dress! It was perfect for her! And as soon as she started walking down the aisle, she and her maid of honor started tearing up. I kept glancing at Stuart, but his back was turned to me. I sat through the quick ceremony blinking back tears and trying not to lose it. I was heartbroken, the bridge and the groom were getting exactly what I had dreamed of: a beautiful wedding, and the man I love more than anything was looking the best he ever had ten feet away and he wasn't mine anymore.

To be continued...

Long Way Down

There’s a program I’ve been watching through NetFlix called “Long Way Down.” Technically, it’s the spin-off for “Long Way Round” in which actors Ewan McGregor from Star Wars and Moulin Rouge! and Charley Boorman travel around the world from London to New York on BMW motorbikes. It was quite the adventure, and they decide to have another go in “Long Way Down” by traveling from John O’Groats, Scotland (the highest point in Scotland) to Cape Town, South Africa.

I watched “Long Way Round” with my sister Kate. We had a great time watching it. It showed up as a marathon on SPIKE TV and we basically sat in front of the television all day completely engrossed in the show as Ewan and Charley rode across Europe and into Russia and Mongolia, flew to Alaska, then drove down through Canada and over to New York City. It was amazing seeing all the different people and the different cultures.

I’ve been watching “Long Way Down” by myself and I’ve found it to have a much bigger impact on me than the first one. I think it’s because of the well-known tragedies of Africa. Ewan and Charley stop a lot of places on this trip that deal with their connection to the charity UNICEF and they talk about the HIV/AIDS issue in all of Africa. It’s been extremely moving and sometimes hard to watch these families in completely poverty. I just feel disgusted with myself with my big TV and my cozy bed watching it, just so ungrateful and useless. Also, all the amazing animals they’ve been seeing in the wild. No fences, no barriers, no fake rocks painted to look like Africa. Real elephants and zebras and giraffes and all these amazing gigantic animals that we just don’t have in the United States. We have bears and a few big cats (most of them being endangered or extinct anyway) but nothing like what Africa has with these behemoth land animals. It makes me feel so small and insignificant. I also feel like anything I’ve ever done, whatever adventure I’ve had is nothing compared to what they did.

In the episode I just watched, Ewan’s wife Eve (pronounced Ev) showed up for a small part of the journey. It was touching to see the two of them interacting with each other and how excited they were for the other as they got to share the trip together. Also, Charley and one of the cameramen went bungee jumping over Victoria Falls. Now, one of my worst fears is heights! I can’t stand heights! And here they were as if it were nothing at all… jumping over this ridiculously tall bridge and trusting your average rope to make sure they didn’t fall to their deaths. Then, the cameraman gets on the screen and says that it’s what he’s most afraid of but he’s doing it anyway!

I was speechless! I literally sat forward in my bed with my hands over my mouth watching them fall over the bridge and plunging into nothingness for what seemed like forever. And when they started swinging at the end of the rope, I actually felt tears pricking the corners of my eyes. I don’t know why really, I just thought it was so amazing and I wished more than anything I could do the same. I probably never will… my fear is quite strong… but I just had the overwhelming urge to go find a large bridge and bungee jump!

But more than anything, I wanted Stuart to be there with me as I watched the show. I wanted him to be there and experience that with me, to feel what I was feeling or to create his own feelings by what I was watching. I don’t know… maybe he would find the whole thing silly and would have laughed to which I would have gotten very angry at him. But, I don’t think he would have. I just wanted him to be there whatever his reaction might be. I wanted to tell him all about my feelings in that moment and how I suddenly wanted to bungee jump and how I wanted to stay at the little inn on this massive freshwater lake in the middle of Malawi and see all the different animals in a Jeep and visit with these amazing people they were meeting.

But he’s at work… in Raleigh… and he’ll be at work for a long time… I can’t even text him…

That is what’s so hard about this whole thing. No matter how millionaire-wannabes create a new social networking website, no matter how many blog posts I create, how many text messages I send, how many hours we Skype, or how many times Facebook changes its Chat feature… there are some things you can only experience together in person, there are some thoughts you can only tell each other face-to-face. And being apart in a long distance relationship, you miss out on a lot of memories you would have had if you were together. 

At Ma's wedding

The Tough Romantic Questions Part 5

1. Throughout your life, what experiences do you feel contributed most to the person you have become today?
My schooling at a private Christian school from first grade to 9th.
My freshman year at Western Carolina University
My parents' divorce
Having Kate as a sister
Watching "Animal Planet" while growing up

2. Life is marked by a handful of experiences that change the direction we take. What would you say is one experience that changed the course of your life in general?
My parents' divorce. It changed who I was, what I thought "family" meant, who I thought my parents were, and how safe I felt in my home. You never get over something like that.

3. What is an example of one major decision that you have made, and how did you handle the situation?
I decided to uproot myself and live in an apartment at the beginning of August 2010. I wanted to begin the process of starting my own life and live physically independent from my family. No one understood, but I did. I needed to get out of that house. I needed to break away from the situation in which I was living in and begin my own family. That may seem silly coming from a 19-year-old, but it makes sense to me. Sparta and I... yeah, he's a cat, but we're family. And right now during this summer, Morgan, along with Sparta and our new hamster Nutmeg, and I are a family. We're weird and different, but it is the type of bonds and support I wanted to begin and discover on my own. There's no question that it was hard to leave the house I had grown up in. I can tell you a memory for every square inch of that house and yard. But, I needed a change. I needed to grow.

4. Have you had an experience that you consider to be the most embarrassing? Why was it embarrassing?
Any time I've accidentally eaten Splenda. I'm too embarrassed to explain why. I shall only say... I get very, very, very sick!

5. How do you remember your  "first love?"
I remember him fondly. I still love him, but in a different way. MK and I have a strange relationship - it's a mixture of brother-sister, best friends, and a taste of an older romantic couple. I remember us only have one fight, and I have never raised my voice at him. There's something about MK that if my life doesn't work out the way I want it to, I'd ask him to be with me for the rest of my life. We probably wouldn't marry or be intimate. We'd just share our lives together as the inseparable pair that we are. It's why it kills me so much to not be in the same city or even the same county as he is. To be apart from him is to be missing a part of myself, a part I love and cherish wholeheartedly.

6. What type of pet do you enjoy the most and why?
I've had all types: lizards, snakes, hermit crabs, dogs, cats, hamster, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish (both saltwater and freshwater).... And, I enjoy them all for different reasons.
Dogs for their loyalty.
Cats for their playfulness, curiosity, and cuddle factor.
Small mammals for being so freaking cute and interesting to watch.
In the end, I'm going to have to say a horse. Unfortunately, I've never owned a horse... but it's been the one dream I've had my entire life that still stays with me even today. One day, one day...! My dream is to own a Hanoverian... but I'd take any old thing I could ride and care for.

7. What is your opinion when it comes to marriage?
I used to think, "Nope I'm never going to marry." My friends all referred to me as the "future cat lady," and I had completely accepted this. I was going to live as busy journalist woman with my house of cats to come home to... and maybe a few dogs, and a horse! I didn't want to be married. I didn't and really still don't want to have kids. When I thought about my future, all I saw was a reasonably-sized house with a good chunk of land. That was where my happiness lied.
Then I met Morgan... and as our relationship grew and strengthened, my thoughts of marriage changed. My opinion now is that I just want him. If he were to walk over here right now from the kitchen table in his red gym shorts and plopped down on one knees with just as much as a knotted stem from my dying roses from Valentine's Day and asked me to be the future Mrs. Morgan... I'd say "yes."
...We would then celebrate a very long engagement!

"Morgan" sleeping with Morgan the bear

Spring Rehabilitation

Honestly, Stuart and I had been going through a rough patch lately. Long distance was taking a very heavy toll on each of us independently and our relationship together. There were very strong doubts in both of our minds that we'd be able to make it another month.
Thanks to Spring Break, however, we have had ample time to repair and restore the foundation of our relationship. With the time we've had together, we have had quiet moments of togetherness and the fighting has dissipated. In fact, I've never felt closer to another person as I do with Stuart. The second he walks out the door to go to work, I immediately think of a random, silly thought that I want him to know. Being near him makes me relaxed and calm. Sparta adores him! He is a realistic provider, a gentle yet powerfully opinionated person. We share similar tastes in movies and swap music loves. We feel the same way on polka dots.
"I love this jacket," I said while sitting on a sunny hilltop outside Stuart's apartments. "Even though it has stripes."
"What's wrong with stripes?" asked Stuart.
"I'm not a huge fan of stripes. But at least it's not polka dots. I hate polka dots!"

(Without a pause) "I love you!" Stuart said.

I had hoped this Spring Break would be warmer. I packed a bunch of halter tops, a jean skirt, shorts, and a knee-length dress all for it to be chilly in the never-ceasing wind. When we traveled down to Wrightsville Beach for the day, Stuart was dressed in long pants, two T-shirts, and a windbreaker jacket. I had on a bikini top, see-through blouse, shorts, jacket, and Stuart's windbreaker pants. We were both huddled into our beach towels for warmth as the wind badgered at us, but every second was enjoyable because we were together and happy. Stuart built sand over my feet into the shape of scuba flippers, we trod through the tide pools formed by low tide where we found warm sink holes to bury our feet in, and ate a mountainous lunch we packed for the trip. Even with the cold, it was the best day all Spring Break. On the drive back, I read aloud from Three Weeks with my Brother, a memoir from popular author Nicholas Sparks, just like Ma used to do on our drives to our rented beach house when we were all a family.

We might have survived without Spring Break. We could have gotten through it but there would have many more fights. But something tells me that if it weren't Spring Break occurring so early in March thanks to Western Carolina... Stuart and I might not be celebrating our five-month anniversary on Monday.

Hopefully, with all we have gone through and the trust we have built together over these past two weeks, our fighting will lessen and our trust will keep us together while we're apart.

Kodak Moment: Photo of the Day Feb 1

It's finally February - the month of love! Morgan and I are taking my Build-a-Bear bucks and are going to make teddy bears for each other this weekend!! That's probably about as overly romantic and mushy as I can take, but don't let me fool you... I'm super excited about going to do it!!! Even if it means having to wave a little plush heart in the air and screaming, "I LOVE MY BEAR" in front of a bunch of people!
The fact that Morgan has to do the same thing... TOTALLY WORTH IT!
And because of that, the photo of the day is the February month bear of my little month bear set in honor of February and building bears!