The Hours

"Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's a contrast."
~
"Would you be angry if I died?"
~
"Dear Leonard. To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard, always the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the hours."
~
"Oh Mrs. Dalloway, always giving parties to cover the silence."
~
"I wanted to be a writer."
"So?"
"I wanted to write about it all... everything that happens in a moment. That way the flowers looked when you carried them in your arms. This towel, how it... smells, how it feels. Its thread. All our feelings, yours and mine. The history of it, who we once were. Everything in the world. Everything all mixed up... like it's mixed up now. And I failed. I failed. No, what you start with, it ends up being so much less. Sheer *f*-ing pride and stupidity." (Pause) We want everything, don't we?"
"I suppose we do."

--- The Hours. Screenplay by David Hare. Dir. Stephen Daldry. Perf. Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, and Nicole Kidman. Paramount Pictures, 2002. Film. 

The first time I saw the film The Hours, I was scared of it. I was either 13 or 14 and it was first time I'd been confronted with women kissing each other on screen or in person. I was scared because this was not the film I thought I was going to be watching. I was also scared that Ma was going to walk in and I'd have to explain what I was watching. The content also was difficult to comprehend. The story wasn't in the movement or the action but in the dialogue. I couldn't wrap my head around it and never made it the halfway mark before I stopped watching.
The next time I saw the film was a couple of years later. I was older, more mature, and had a better understanding about both the darker and lighter sides of the world. Now, I was able to understand and appreciate the story, and it became one of my favorite movies. Soon after, I read the book and it is my favorite book.
As I writer, I understand how the above character feels about wanting to be able to write it all. It is literally impossible to write every single detail of what happens to a character and what they are feeling at that moment when whatever is happening is happening. It is impossible to either write it or to write it in a way that won't want to make your readers shoot themselves in the head.

Since the moment when I connected with that line, I have found comfort in The Hours even though it is a completely raw, moving, and depressing story. And while reading the opening pages of the book tonight, I felt moved to post some of my favorite quotes from (in particular) the movie from which this love started.

Momentary Break

It's been a whirlwind of a week but then again also very slow. After two days of cancelled classes due to heavy snow, I had my first class of the spring semester: Investigations of Environmental Geology. Before, it had been nothing but watching TV, making snow angels in the snow, and missing Morgan so much it hurt. We Skyped every day and left our web cams online all through the night because I didn't like having to say good bye every night. And boy did we get some snow! I haven't seen that much snow since the blizzard when I was still under 5' 5".

Poor Little Honda is barely visible in the snow

Today I had three classes, two communications for my major and one theatre. And I realized something as I was sitting in the communications classes... I don't want Communications to be my major anymore.

In high school, my journalism teacher was my hero! He was hip, young, inspiring, motivational, and every straight female in school cried the day he got married to his sweetheart because he was that fine! I don't want to say he bullied me into taking Journalism as a major. That's definitely not the right way to put it, but it's the only way I can think of.

Now that I no longer have his guiding hand and wisdom around me every day, I'm losing my confidence and passion for Journalism. Unfortunately, what I really want to do is unavailable at Western Carolina University as a major. Which makes me excited to get outta here and transfer already to a) a university with the major I want, and b) somewhere closer to Morgan.

* * * Momentary Break * * *

I had to break there to drive five hours to Raleigh. Apparently, there's no school Monday, so I decided to take advantage of the situation to visit Morgan. Along the way, I ran out of CDs I wanted to listen to in Little Honda's CD changer so I switched to radio. I'd like to sing the praises of the 96 Rock! What an awesome radio station. First, we heard "Black Betty" followed by a late 80's/early 90's rock ballad with backup singers so hilarious that I laughed out loud. Then, there was Creed followed by "Mississippi Queen" requested by a guy for his ten-year-old son at 9:00 p.m. Little Honda was... ROCKIN'. "Oh my gosh, this station is awesome!" I said out loud as I cruised along I-40 right outside of Raleigh. I hadn't had that much fun in the car since Christian gave Cody his video camera and he, Wes, Jude, and I traveled to Greensboro to see Joe play in his band. That was some epic road adventureness. (Cody is definitely one to have in the car as a passenger. He stays awake the whole trip. He'll never run out of un-interesting topics to discuss. He has the energy of a four-year-old but knows when enough is too much and has so many car games to play!)

But what was I talking about before??

* * *

Oh yeah, I want to change my major. ...Yeah, well... there you go! I want to change my major. Now I only have to survive a whole semester with classes that I no longer need. Oh well!! Sorry, Father. 

In other news... I think my Geology professor is part gorilla, my Speech professor sounds exactly like actor John Malkovich and said, "black people, red people, yellow people" like he was quoting from a Dr. Seuss book, my journalism professor is from Macedonia, and I still haven't had a single Ballroom Dance class. It's only been a week and already, it's been a crazy semester.

I certainly didn't expect any less.

How Do You Pronounce That?

The last time I got really bored, I made Sparta a Facebook. My friends began to seriously worry... began to seriously tease me!
I'm seriously bored again and after nearly washing my hair with Sparta's flea shampoo that I left in the shower, I've come up with an idea that I have ample time to execute: I am going to look the various, too-many-lettered ingredients in my delights shower gel with the fragrance of sweet pea. Let the ingredient discovering begin!

Cocamidopropyl betaine: a pale yellow liquid, derived from coconut oil, suspected to an environmental toxin

Glycerin: prevents dry skin, naturally occurring compound from lipids, may be derived from animals

BHT: used as a preservative, also used in jet fuels and as an antioxidant food additive, could possibly be linked to cancer and hyperactivity in children

Tributyl citrate: alcohol and citric acid, at high doses animal studies show cardiovascular and neurological effects

(I'm glad I'm not ingesting any of this stuff!)

Propylparaben: found in plants and some insects, preservative found in water-based cosmetics

Methylchloroisothiazolinone: a preservative with antibacterial effects, associated with allergic reactions, first introduced in the 1970's

Well, there are just some of the crazy ingredients in my shower gel. God forbid I ever accidentally swallow any!

***Sources: Wikipedia and Skin Deep

Sparta's Spot

A few of my friends, particularly Chris, aren't fans of cats. They're dog people and coming over to an apartment with a cat isn't their favorite thing to do. But then they meet Sparta... the cat that thinks he's a dog.

Lately, Sparta's been having a rough time of it. I've been trying to make up for it by play sessions when I get up from bed. We have the Kitty Kube, a purple cloth cube with three holes that provides Sparta with a toy and a bed. There's the honeycomb wand, a stick with a plush honeycomb at the end and a happy bee on a yellow string. There are random strings from my hoodies and pajama pants for him to chase, chew, and bat about. His mousey is his favorite, a white mouse a little bigger than Sparta's paw with fake rabbit fur and catnip inside. Sparta will play fetch with it and chase it for hours. His newest toy is a feather wand. It's great for him because of the delightful feathers and flexibility of the wand; it's great for me because I can play but am far away from the sharp cat claws. He loves the play sessions and I love that he's getting exercise (I already have Fat Piddy. I don't need Fat Sparta) and I have an hour or so to forget that Morgan and I are now experiencing a long distance relationship.

On Christmas Eve, Sparta rode in a car for three hours to Father's house. What I thought was going to be a traumatizing experience of staying in a house he was unfamiliar with turned into Sparta's paradise! There were lots of windows and so much room to run. Then, he was transported to Morgan's house with another 2 1/2 hour car ride. There, I had leave him in the basement with a towel, his litter box, and a small heater. Unhappy kitty!

Two days before Sparta and I were to return home, I got a phone call.
"There's a flea infestation at the apartment. You cannot bring the cat back into the apartment until he is flea free. And, we're going to have to flea bomb all the rooms."

I had 48 hours to get rid of fleas and am now looking at a $50 bill for flea bombs.

Sparta has been combed by a flea comb that he hates.

He's had two baths, one in the apartment shower... I've never heard him scream before but he definitely screamed in the shower.

Also there was an application of Frontline to tie the whole thing together.

And somehow... he doesn't hate me! He's just been the best kitty! After his traumatizing experience with the shower, he curled up with me on the bed and slept for hours contentedly huddled against me. Every night since returning to the apartment, he has shared the end of the bed with my feet or half of my pillow. I think he misses Morgan, too. Or maybe he's just glad to have the bed back.

After all the trouble he's given me with broken snow globes, fleas, and long nights keeping me awake, I don't know what I'd do without that little crazy cat. Now, when this apartment is so empty and lonely, he's what I got to keep me going.

40 out of 100

When I first began blogging, it didn't take very long for me to want to write but not have any topics to write about. So, I headed to the World Wide Web in search of un-original ideas of what to write about. Soon after I went searching and found some good stuff, life started taking off and I had either lots to post about or not any time to write.
Now that Morgan and I are separated by five hours of driving time, I have ample time on my hands... time that I don't want to use sitting around and thinking. So far, I've cleaned the kitchen, done three loads of laundry, bought groceries, picked up my rental books for classes, gone to the library, reorganized my DVD shelves, reorganized my book shelves, watched two movies, and caught over half of a program on Discovery (by the way - LOVE their new catch phrase: "The world is just awesome"!) about Nostradamus. Now, I will actively participate in Chris Brogan's post "100 Blog Topics I Hope YOU Write." This is number 40.

Ten Guilty Pleasures (in no particular order):

1. Scarves
  This has been a recent development. I've started collecting scarves. I used to think, What's the point? It's a fluffy hangman's noose. Now, scarves are awesome and I love to use them to accentuate an outfit!

2. Snow Globes
  Everyone knows I love snow globes!!! It's why I got two for Christmas and two for my birthday this year!! It's what I crave!! Snow globes just make me happy - to shake something as hard as I want and watch the glitter and snow come tumbling back down on whatever object in a bubble. I love the designs of the base, I love the snow inside, I love the way the water sounds as it sloshes against the glass, I love the ones with "special features" like music and being able to stick pictures inside. The only problem with snow globes as I learned from Sparta is that they are breakable!

3. Teddy Bears
  I love a good teddy bear to squeeze. They're huggable and soft and furry and have cute little ears.

4. Movies

  My first movie in theatres was Disney's Pocahontas. It was 1995, the year Ma was pregnant was Kate. I was so moved by the movie I wanted to name my new baby sister "Indian." Unfortunately for 4-year-old me, it didn't stick but it began my passion for movies of all kinds!! There's nothing I love more than curling up in bed or on the sofa with a blanket, maybe a teddy bear, a bowl of popcorn, a glass of lemonade, and some candy to watch an epic, sad, romantic, or funny movie. It's good for a romantic date. It's good for friends piling together and having a good time. It's a perfect way to pass the time and get out of your story and into someone else's.

5. Small Towns

  I say I'm from Charlotte but technically I live outside of one of North Carolina's major hubs. And while I'm not a fan of the small town I grew up in, I am a fan of small towns in general. The small town I lived in just didn't have enough money to turn themselves into a growing, happy-go-lucky small town like Sylva or Belmont. These two towns have quaint downtown streets with rustic shops and 1900's general stores. Morgan and I went into the Belmont General Store and bought two sodas in glass bottles to drink while looking through the wire yard critters, plethora of flags, and old time bicycles on the ceiling. There are apartments over the shops. There are welcoming flags on the lamp posts fluttering in the breeze. There are smiling people walking their dogs and pushing strollers. You can tell the shopkeeper has been working there since his father worked the place. I just love the vibe!

6. My iPod

  I never knew I'd use my iPod as much as or more than my laptop or cell phone. I hardly leave home without out it! Recently played includes:

"The Only Exception" by Paramore

"Monsters" by Hurricane Bells

"Show me How you Burlesque" by Christine Aguilera

"Beneath the Mire" by Opeth

7. Lemonade

  I've been addicted to the stuff like people are addicted to coffee since becoming a teenager. Don't ask me why. I just love it! For me, it goes with every meal and desserts... except for Oreos.

8. Reese's

  Have you had one? Then you know!

9. Books

  My mom has a home video of me reading Dr. Suess's Are You my Mother when I was four or five. I didn't know how to read, but I had asked Ma and Father to read to me so much that I had memorized every page! There it started and it has continued with Morgan looking at me the other day and saying, "You've read more books than I know about." My favorites include Wuthering Heights, Vulpes the Red Fox, anything by John Irving and Jodi Picoult, and The Hours by Michael Cummingham. They put me into worlds I would have never known and have inspired me to write my own.

10. Holidays

  I love holidays!! And I hate when other people mess mine up! It seems to happen every holiday probably due to my unrealistic, high expectations but every time I have them and they're HIGH! I want majestic fireworks and watermelon on the 4th of July. I want "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," crackling fires, twinkling lights on the Christmas tree, warm blankets, and presents under the tree on Christmas. I want a good, moving church service, a light-colored dress, and dyed boiled eggs on Easter. I demand a creative costume and too much candy on Halloween. I better see something pink on Mother's Day and a tie on Father's Day. And because I've never made it to three months with a boyfriend before, tomorrow will be a holiday for Morgan and me. My high expectations demand him to be home for the holiday!

Wizard

At Father's house, Morgan and I discovered a card game called Wizard. To play, you get a number of cards each round. The number of cards grows higher as the game continues, starting with 1 card and ending with the entire deck distributed among the players. To win, you must get the highest amount of points rewarded to you by correctly bidding on how many "tricks" you'll take during a round. During each trick, a lead card is thrown out. Other players throw out cards of the same suit. The player of the highest numerical value card takes the trick.
Winning with the highest number can be countered by playing a card of the "trump" suit. A trump card is shown at the beginning of the round before bidding. Any card of that suit can trump the lead card's suit.

A way to win automatically is to have a Wizard card. As soon as a player throws out the Wizard card, they automatically win the trick. No questions asked. It's a sure win!

It's hard to bid correctly unless you got the game down. Often I will bid incorrectly especially as the number of cards in my hand gets higher and higher. My un-mathematical brain cannot handle all the numbers and trying to figure out what everyone else could have and how it correlates with what I have in my hand. And when I bid, I typically forget about the Wizards everyone has.

The game of Wizard is sort of how I live my life. I bid and either take the trick or get burned by a Wizard. When I bid carefully after being burned and take a trick, I get so excited that I typically forget about the Wizards again. That's where I always make my mistake. But there are a few occasions where I underbid.

Lately I've been dangerously bidding on my relationship with Morgan. We joke about how he'll teach our future kids how to shoot and fish and never fear spiders or cockroaches while I teach them that all the little deers are Bambi and that cockroaches are meant to be feared and screamed at. Today, I told him how we were going to shop for the decorations for our house in Belmont at the Belmont General Store with its wacky and tacky wire critters and tin signs that read "PLEASE DO NOT THROW CIGARETTES ON THE FLOOR. COCKROACHES ARE GETTING CANCER." And, one day in the future we'll ride in a blimp or a hot air balloon together and have a romantic lunch.

That's the worst kind of bidding I can do! I cannot promise my mind Morgan and I will be together that long. But my imagination gets the best of me, taking me through daydreams five, ten years into the future. Will Morgan be there? Well, I don't know but my imagination loves to think so. All that hoo-ha about living in the moment... it's important because if you daydream too much (like me!!) it's easy to get burned by the Wizards of life that sweep in and take the whole trick time after time. This can be anything from health problems to money issues to Morgan or myself falling for someone else.

But as our relationship has continued, I think I've bid right on this boy. He may not be the man at the end of the church aisle that Father gives me away to. Maybe he's not "The One." But have I bid right that he won't cheat on me or treat me horribly or that he'll forgive me doing something stupid? Damn right! I'm taking this trick and I'm winning this round.

Turn Around

It's amazing what can happen in a year.
Last year, I spent New Year's alone, unhappy, suffering from depression, and reeling from the heartbreak inflicted on me by The Viking.

This year I was curled up beside Morgan and now I look back and realize, I didn't think about The Viking for a single second last night. It wasn't any different from what I had done years before. I lounged around waiting for the colorfully lit ball to drop in New York City as it does every year. However... Morgan was curled up beside me watching too, laughing at the Nivea commercials and booing at the pop artists singing.

2010 wrapped up its days for me with a new found love and an apartment to call my own. I made new friends like the Ice Cream Book Club (without books) gang and have the fondest of memories thanks to the ending of 2010.

I don't typically make resolutions, and if I do, they're in jest because I know I won't keep them. If I were to make a resolution for 2011, it would be... wear my retainer more often!!! That's extremely important and I need to do that more or else my braces were a waste......!!!!

But also to cherish every second I have with Morgan. As we face our long separation after two more days in Charlotte, I will make a resolution to never take him for granted, to never pick a fight or start an argument over something insignificant, to cherish him and always give him a chance to express himself, and to never let the physical distance between us cause a figurative wall to build. We will be "the exception to the rule" when it comes to long-distance relationships and survive.

2011... Bring. It. On!